A Roller Coaster, Yo-Yo, and Blender

Last week after we got the news that our 28th Embassy trip didn't look possible, I had a meltdown [and continued having them for the past week]. Brian sat down on the couch, held my hands, and prayed for Judah and Addise and for us. In his prayer he acknowledged before an all-knowing God that this process has been a full-on roller coaster, yo-yo, and blender all wrapped up into one. The last image of a blender was how I've felt this past week, but it didn't feel "mmmm". Thus the blog and social media silence. My heart's felt broken and though we've had hope that someday Judah and Addise would be in our arms, "someday" was just too ambiguous and painful to ingest. Honestly, I've been in a pretty dark place for the past 7 days.

Until Today! I got up early and immediately checked my email. Nothing. I was on my way to work early this morning and checked my email again - 3 emails from our case manager. WE HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR THE JANUARY 11TH EMBASSY DATE - CLEARED FOR TRAVEL - GREEN LIGHT TO GO GET OUR BABIES!!!!!

We've re-booked our tickets and will be on our way to pick up our babies in 8 days!!!!! Remember my friend that heard God say "Christmas, Christmas, Christmas" as she prayed for us [read that post HERE]? Well, we are leaving on January 7th which is Ethiopia's Christmas. If I'd only known God was speaking in Ethiopian time, it could have saved me buckets of tears! It was truly a gift to have this piece clarified because haven't understood what God's already said with that's currently happening. A little is making sense now...

Regardless, after 22 months we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and it feels goooooooood! We will be home with Judah and Addise Diaz on January 13th. :)

NOTE: Please continue praying for our friends the Mitchell's and Mummert's. They were in our original travel group and have not been cleared to travel yet for the 11th Embassy date. Their hearts LONG for their kiddos like ours do, my heart aches for them as they continue waiting without understanding.

12 Days of Christmas :: Accessories and Scripture

12 Days of Christmas :: I'm grateful for the little things and God's Word.

This has been a really rough week. It has NOT been what I expected during these 12 days of Christmas. In a weak attempt to maintain the Christmas spirit I've attempted and received some comfort from a few things, so this week I'm grateful for...

• Girls night out with Angela and Cassidy
• Brian
• Glittery nail polish
• Continuous messages and texts from my family and caring friends [especially Erin who hounds me like an adoptive momma who knows]
• Wine
• Flowers
• Mama D's pasta
  
• Clean carpets and teeth
• A few more gifts that came in the mail for Judah and Addise
• 7 more pictures of our kids

I'm also grateful for Scripture. These verses/passages have been life to me as we grieve the death of a Christmas dream...

• Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."
• Psalm 62:5, "Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him."
• Exodus 14:13-14, "But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."
• Isaiah 40:31, "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."
• Lamentations 3:22-24, "The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.
  Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!”
• Psalm 61:2, "From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety."
• Psalm 121
  
• Psalm 77

Merry Christmas.

Embassy Update :: Christmas in the OC

As many of you know and have already commented, we didn't get clearance from the US Embassy to travel tomorrow. We are heartbroken, crushed, whatever word you want to use... Yesterday I was drinking orange juice from a "Nightmare Before Christmas" cup, and winced to Brian that this was our reality.

There really isn't any good explanation from the Embassy as to "why", which makes it harder to understand and accept. In numerous emails from our case manager, we were told a number of things:

• The Embassy is not ready for you.
• Every family in our travel group has to have all their new documents submitted before any family will be granted another Embassy date.
• This is affecting every adoption agency in Ethiopia, not just ours. Therefore, countless families Christmas dreams have been affected.
• This is unprecedented in Ethiopia, so we're not sure what's to come.
• Our agency has been in contact with the Department of State and Children's Affairs in DC this week, and they aren't providing firm or specific answers for any of our cases.
  

WHAT'S NEXT? Our case manager is requesting that the US Embassy in Addis Ababa reviews our case on Monday morning independently from the other families and confirms for us a January 12th Embassy date [the next date possibility]. She's hoping that the "all families in the travel group need all their documents before any family is issued a court date" is some misunderstanding. The Embassy has NEVER worked like that in the past. For now we wait. Again. [NOTE: Our agency's office is closed until January 3rd, but we may still hear word before then.]

HOW ARE WE? Ugh... Awful? Ok? Devastated? Angry? Confused? Hopeful? Trusting? Missing Judah and Addise? Concerned about what's next? Longing? YES to all the above.

Honestly, we're a bit shell shocked and emotionally exhausted. I've cried rivers this week. We're gonna go dark for a little while and regain some strength and perspective. Thank you so much for your prayers. We've heard some of you have been fasting for us. We've read innumerable texts and messages. We've totally felt carried by our community. For that, we are grateful.

We'll keep you posted as we find something out.

12 Days of Christmas :: Maturation

DAY 11 :: I am grateful for the gift of maturity.

Adopting Judah and Addise has changed my prayer life. And it's changed how I ask people to pray on our behalf. This morning I was reading Exodus 14 and once again God's truth intersected exactly where I needed it.

¹³ But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. ¹⁴ The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

As I read this chapter and cried, I started praying. When I was younger I would pray for things and make decisions to surrender because I thought [at least subconsciously] that if I prayed for the right things, in the right way, and gave up my will to his, then God would give me what I wanted. A+B=C, right? Nope - God cannot be manipulated like that. I've come to believe that as I pray, I am giving up my will to his and he also shapes it to conform to his will. Then, it is well with my soul. Believe me, I would swim to Ethiopia right now if I could [and I might have to with the insane amounts of rain we've had in SoCal!!!!]. But clearly what God's doing is much bigger than I know, and I've seen that clearly in retrospect in other areas of my life. Remember, he gives me what I need more than what I simply want.

EMBASSY UPDATE :: We are still waiting, but humanly speaking it doesn't look good. Essentially, the US Embassy still hasn't given us a green light to travel, and we are running out of time. We have until about 9am tomorrow morning AT THE LATEST to cancel our airline tickets. Our case managers have said that the Embassy wants for all 6 families cases to be resolved before they give any of us an Embassy date and the green light to travel. It doesn't make sense. Our case should be ready to go now. Our agency is petitioning on our behalf with the Department of State in DC. We are waiting for an update.

Please keep praying. I'm a mess, but am choosing to trust in this confusion. Your texts, messages, and prayers have carried our burden with us. Every message, question, and hug has caused me to cry, but it's needed. Thank you.

When I started this "12 Days of Christmas" series, I wasn't expecting this turn of events. It's been quite hard to write these, but it's also forced me to celebrate and be grateful when my heart is heavy and troubled.

One more pic to make you smile...what would you put as a caption to this picture?!?!

12 Days of Christmas :: Rest

DAY 10 :: I am grateful for rest.

No news for our Embassy date today. We are waiting. Waiting for his word of hope. If we don't find out by 8am PST Thursday morning we have to cancel our airline tickets and reservations in Ethiopia. If we still can travel for the 28th Embassy date, we will find out first thing tomorrow or Thursday morning. I can't fully wrap my heart around not being on a plane Friday morning. I think I'll go into a depression...

Yet one thing I've come entirely aware of throughout this journey is that God does not sleep. He does not slumber. He is always working in our behalf. Thus, I can rest as he is active. Never before has this become so apparent as in our adoption.

Ethiopia is 11 hours ahead of our time. So when I lay my head down every night, our kids are awake in the next morning. As I fall asleep tonight, the U.S. Embassy is going about their business for the day, perhaps attending to our case. A case that means little to them and the world to us. It's not a "case". It's Judah and Addise Diaz, who need to be home with their parents. I can sleep soundly tonight because even as I renew my energy, God is working on the other side of the globe through officials and flawed processes and mistakes. And he can move mountains.

So, tonight I rest knowing that I am out of control. Utterly. Completely. Uncomfortably out of control to bring Judah and Addise home. But as I rest I trust that the God of the Universe is in control.

Here are a couple more pictures we got today. A visual reminder of why we LONG to bring them home...

12 Days of Christmas :: Hope

DAY 9 :: I am grateful for HOPE.

I've been crying a lot today in light of our news today about potentially not being able to travel in 4 days. I can't imagine not being on a plane in 4 days, holding our babies in a week. I can't imagine...

As Brian and I prayed together today and he held me as I cried - multiple times - we were reminded of our hope in God, not an Embassy date. As dear friends prayed for us tonight, God tenderly reminded me that we hope in a God who is never late. When I got home, Brian pointed us back toward Lamentations 3:19-30 [The Message]. I love the author's emotional authenticity and staunch dependence on God despite the circumstances. I want to be this kind of woman. We want to be this kind of couple...

^19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

^22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.

^25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

^28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.

Brian got another tattoo last week, and this one is most personal to us, to our story.
Isaiah 40 has been a critical passage throughout our infertility and adoption journeys. We held on to the truth that when we wait on God that he'll give us new strength and we'll soar on wings like eagles. Brian's fresh tattoo is a permanent, visual reminder of the hope we've found in God [you can see the "h" from his "hope" tattoo, too].

If you are in need of hope tonight or are finding yourself waiting, do yourself a favor and download Vicki Yohe's song "In the Waiting". My friend Neah plopped earphones on my head tonight and rubbed my back as I SOBBED through the song. It'll pull you toward a God who works all things together for good.

Tonight, I'm grateful for Hope that does not disappoint. Not my will, but yours be done...

Embassy Date? URGENT PRAYER!

URGENT PRAYER REQUEST: We found out this morning that the U.S. Embassy is requiring more information [not previously required for Embassy appointments] for Judah and Addise. Our case manager said that it was simply additional photos required but another traveling family said additional documents were needed that were not needed beforehand. If that's the case, it's unknown how long it could be to go back and find additional documentation from our kids' birth places [several hours and 6-8 months ago!].

Our 28th Embassy date could fall through! PLEASE PRAY FOR MOUNTAINS TO BE MOVED AND MIRACLES TO HAPPEN - not just for our family but for the 5 other families that were planning on flying to Ethiopia this week.

I'm having a bit of meltdown. Brian and I just prayed together and as he was praying I felt like the Enemy was simply trying to steal some of God's glory in our story. Period. That's not ok. It's all God's. No matter what. But we want for him to get the greatest amount possible. And we really believed God's word and promises through family and friends about bringing them home in 2010.

We are desperately praying...

BACKSTORY:
As some of you may know, we received unofficial word 1 1/2 weeks ago that we had the 28th US Embassy date in Ethiopia. Last Monday we found out that the Embassy hadn't cleared us for travel, but were looking through our documents with a fine tooth comb assuring that everything was in place for the 28th. [Due to another change in policy by the Embassy that occurred on the SAME DAY as our unofficial word!] Our case manager seemed quite positive that we would eventually be cleared for travel, but maybe not until tomorrow (3 days before our flights!!). This morning our case manager called to let us know that the US Embassy wanted more pictures of Judah and Addise to confirm they are the right kids matching the documents. Supposedly those were submitted today Ethiopia-time.

If we do not get the 28th Embassy date, we will really be emotionally heartbroken. It will also be a pretty huge financial hit for us. Bottom Line: we want them home on the 31st!!! We really feel like God gave us some words of promise and hope – through many of YOU! - and just feel like we need to pray against any enemy interference, confusion, or issues.

Communication Photo Album

One of my adoptive mommy friends gave me a great idea to help Judah transition. Since he's learning Amharic right now, but we don't know any, pictures are a great way to help him communicate. I thought this was such a great idea!! Thanks Tona!!!

You can use the pictures as a "vocabulary time" and start teaching him some English words as you point to the items in the pictures. It might be fun to have you and Brian in as many of the pics as you can [ex: you sitting on his bed, Brian sitting at the table].

· Select: All, Read, None

· ShowAllUnread

• Your cars [inside and out]
• The outside of your house
• His bed
  
• His bathroom
• Your kitchen table with food on it
• Your refrigerator with door open so he can see the food =)
• Your living room
• Food pictures of things he might eat or see at your house
• Toys that are waiting on him at home; If you are taking him a toy or cuddly then have it in the picture of his toys and then you can show it to him in the pic
• Airplane pictures [inside and out]
• The people you think he may see with in the first few days home [just call them "friends" so he does not have too many names]
• Pictures of you guys together from your 1st trip
• Pictures of animals, if you have them
  

Hopefully this is helpful for other adoptive parents who are preparing to travel. Feel free to share! There are "share" buttons at the bottom of this post.

12 Days of Christmas :: Emmanuel

DAY 8 :: I am grateful that God is WITH us.

Today is the Sunday before Christmas. I hosted our services today and am once again reminded how much I love God's people. I love the local church and all Jesus imagined it could be. I get to experience God WITH us through this local community - and by nature of our church, a global Body - on a regular basis. Our community embodies the truth that because of Christmas God has come near. He is with us. He went to the fullest length to bring us back to him. So, today, I'm grateful that we love, serve, and follow a God who isn't distant or impersonal. He is here.

May this song lift you toward the One who loves us so much that he did not leave us orphans. He came to adopt us into his forever family. That is a Christmas worth celebrating...

12 Days of Christmas :: A Decade

Day 7 :: I am grateful for my man.

Ten years ago today, Brian proposed to me. We were 21 years old and madly in love. We started as high school friends, turned into sweethearts, and became best friends. Never would have we imagined that 10 years later we would've seen and done and become all that we have over the past decade. Ten years later, I am even more in love with my husband. He is the best man I've ever known and gently pushes me to become more of who I truly am. He is so many things I am not [or at least less of!], and he fascinates me still.

Today, I'm grateful that we are taking on new roles this year: mother and father. I love seeing Brian as a daddy. Who knows what this next decade will hold?

12 Days of Christmas :: Provision

Day 6 :: I am grateful that God always provides.

When we started our adoption we knew it would cost $20,000-25,000. We knew that we didn't have that money in any bank accounts. But we felt called to adopt. So we moved forward in faith. And EVERY SINGLE step along the way God has provided. Thousands of dollars. From the most unexpected places! From people we barely know. From friends who've followed our journey over thousands of miles. From family and friends who have deeply sacrificed to bring home our babies.

Then the original amount changed. We decided to adopt 2 kiddos. Thousands more dollars. Then we found out about a 2nd necessary trip. Thousands more dollars.

But with every additional cost, God opened up his pocketbooks and graciously provided the money. Almost to the dollar every single time. It's proof that God loves orphans and longs they are brought home into forever families. We were moved to tears many times as we opened envelopes and received agency financial statements. Sometimes it seemed like our bank accounts didn't humanly calculate.

Even, today I'm challenged to REMEMBER the One who provides. He's got us this far. He'll get us through the next season. God owns the cattle on a thousand hills. He cares for the flowers in the fields and sparrows in the sky. Certainly he'll care for the Diaz family and all his children.

12 Days of Christmas :: Blogs

Day 5 :: I am grateful for adoption blogs.

For the past 21 months I've been a borderline blog stalker on several adoption blogs. My Google dashboard should have really become my home page. I am profoundly grateful to have followed the journeys of those who've gone before us in the adoption process [especially Ethiopia] AND those who are walking in tandem with our journey.

I've been amazed at the bond that's formed with women I've never met from all corners of the country because of our shared excitement, anxiety, waiting, joy, and confusion. We "get" each other in a way that I've desperately needed. It's incredible to read another adoptive mommy's blog and think "I couldn't have said it better" or "that's unequivocally how I'm feeling right now" or "I've been in that exact place". I'm still amazed when another adoptive parent I've never met will comment on our blog [or Twitter] that they entirely resonate with what I've written. I'm crazy excited because I get to meet a couple of those women in Ethiopia next week that I've been blogging and email friends for over a year.

One of those friends, Laura, is also adoptive mommy 2 little boys and we got on the wait list on the exact same day [10/20/09] and they live just 45 minutes from my parents in another part of the country. I very well may burst into tears when I meet her because we've shared so much of our story together...just all via social media.

I don't know what adoptive parents did before blogs burst onto the scene. On this day of Christmas I'm so grateful for blog friends who've been traveling companions on this remarkable journey!

12 Days of Christmas :: Needs

Day 4 :: I am grateful for God giving me what I need.

Most of the time God's timing does NOT make sense to me. I wanted to be a mom 2 years ago. I wanted to have Judah and Addise home by my birthday [we didn't even get our referral until 1 week after my birthday]. I wanted certain house projects done months ago. Blah blah blah...
Today I'm grateful that God gives me what I need more than what I want. We could have been good parents 2 years ago. Things could have been fine if we had our referral earlier. Our house could have been more organized and purged earlier. Whatever. But I'm acutely aware today that God knows what I can handle, what I most deeply need, and will graciously give that to me. Even if I'm kicking and screaming when he gives it to me. He's just that good of a God.

12 Days of Christmas :: Sanctuary

Day 3 :: I am grateful for our home.

We've worked really hard and intentionally about creative a safe place within the walls of our home. We really value HOME. As we've worked to transform our "married without kids" home into a borderline childproof house for 2 little ones, I've realized all the more how much I love our home. It's cozy. It's comfortable. It's safe. It's totally a reflection of who Brian and I are. It's a gift. It's nothing fancy or big, but it's definitely a space where I can walk in the front door, drop my bags, take a deep breath, and stay for a while.

Today I am grateful to bring Judah and Addise into that kind of home.

12 Days of Christmas :: My Calling

DAY 2 :: I am grateful for my calling and community.

I love my job at Newsong Church. I love who I get to work with. It's not a job so much as a calling, a place where I can bring my best and my worst. It's a place where my gifts are celebrated and explored and challenged. It's a place where I've grown considerably over the past 6+ years. It's a place I believe in so deeply because it's not just about who's "in", but it's more about who's "outside". It's a place the cares in word and action about the poor, widows, orphans, homeless, and the next generation. It's a place that embraces discomfort and pain and those who are different from you.

Today I am grateful that this place that I LOVE, also loves me as a pastor AND as a mom. I'm so grateful for the practical and generous ways they are gifting me with time away from my responsibilities in order to start off being a great mom. I'm grateful that the culture is one that values kids and will work with me to be an equally awesome pastor and mom. Indescribably grateful...

12 Days of Christmas :: Advent

Since today marks 12 days until we leave to get Judah and Addise, I decided [at 11pm...that's just how I'm working these days] that I'm going to post something I'm grateful for every day. It will serve as a countdown to getting our babies and a summary to the past 22 months of our adoption process.

Day 1 :: I am grateful for Advent.

Advent means "coming" or "arrival". It also implies waiting for the arrival and coming of the Messiah. This year, I'm grateful that our time to become parents has arrived. Two years ago this week we were mourning the news of another failed IUI treatment. We wondered if we would ever have a child. Christmas was more about Advent, about waiting, than it was about Christmas celebrations. We anticipated a Christmas where we could simply celebrate and not wait, not long for a baby's arrival, and anticipate healing.

This is that Christmas. We are filled with joy and celebration. And it has been worth the wait. I am grateful for the waiting because it has changed the way I celebrate, the way I cry, the way I understand others, the way I work, the way I rest. I am grateful for Advent, especially when Christmas is harder to celebrate.

Judah and Addise New Digs

I know you've waited for pics of Judah and Addise's room, so here ya go along with some commentary so you know how special this room really is.

Comment #1 :: This room has laid dormant and barren for over 2 1/2 years since my brother and his wife moved out. It's been at times a daily reminder of the babies that yet to fill that space. It's also been a great workout room! We'll miss that. :)

This is a head on view to the heart of the room.

Comment #2 :: While we were in Ethiopia, our dear friends Tony and Erin did an extreme makeover to our formally army-green empty space. They were over until late one night 2 nights before we left on our first trip. Brian and I were still deciding colors and fabrics and Tony and Erin helped work their magic. We trust their design skills implicitly and they know our style, so it was the BIGGEST GIFT IMAGINABLE to have them own the re-design!!! A slew of Newsong family came over to help transform the space while we were loving on our babies.

Comment #3 :: Tony free-hand painted the animals on the wall. His daughter painted the letters in their names.

Comment #4 :: You may notice how many books we've accumulated already. Brian and I are major readers and can't wait to read them stories. These books are predominantly classics, adoption-focused children's books, Biblical narratives, and Ethiopian stories. My mom's already decided that for every special event, she's purchasing her grandchildren a book and signing a note in it. Lovely.

Comment #5 :: You may notice on the top shelf of the cubby on the right is a book my sister-in-law made for us called "Welcome to the Family Judah and Addise". Included in this book are pictures and letters/prayers from both sides of my extended family for Judah and Addise. Needless to say, it's a most prized gift. I SOBBED as I read every word from my precious, long-distance family.

Comment #6 :: This is the view of the room from the doorway. My mom and Grandma Getz bought us the glider to enable bonding with our kids at all hours of the day or night. The woodland bird curtains were tediously sewn by my friend, Christina, who is terrified of birds. She used every square inch of fabric I ordered! One of the blankets over the glider is from my friend, Dana, from New Zealand.

Comment #7 :: The crib was purchased by a number of Newsong friends, and the dresser was purchased predominantly by another adoptive family. The African stockings were given to us last Christmas by Brian's mom. The piggy bank was painted by Erin for a donation shower she helped throw for us in June 2009! The canvas corkboard was designed by Shannon and included a beautiful touch of their pictures and initials! [NOTE: the dumbbells will be in the room until the last possible minute]

Comment #8 :: The lion over Judah's bed is a beautiful illustration of the meaning behind his name. The Acacia tree in the corner is one of my favorite images of Africa. Judah's duvet cover was sewn by Shannon!! Judah AND Addise's mattresses were given to us by Doris.

Comment #9 :: A view into the massive, double-mirrored closet. A "stranger" from another church gave us 2 more cubbies that fit perfectly into our odd closet. It makes storage efficient and attractive. We also have hundreds and hundreds of diapers and wipes. That should last us until...

Welcome to Judah and Addise's room. We hope they love it, not just because it's BEAUTIFUL but because it's been formed by countless hands who've prayed them home and loved them since before they even became "Diaz's".

A Christmas Miracle!

How do I even begin the blog post that I've been dying to write for 22 months?!?! WE ARE GOING TO PICK UP JUDAH AND ADDISE TO BRING THEM HOME FOREVER!! That's right!

We found out on Friday morning that we got the December 28th Embassy Date!!

THE BACK STORY :: Brian actually got the email from another case manager and I didn't [which never happens]. I had found out via email a 30 minutes beforehand that a couple blog friends had received the 28th date; we didn't get that same email. My heart sunk to my toes. We weren't supposed to find anything out until this coming Tuesday morning, so I was hanging on to hope with a loose grip. I showered after hearing about our friends' Embassy date news and talked with God about the myriad of emotions and maturity desires. I was getting ready in our bathroom and Brian came in with the email on his iPhone. He proudly bragged that he had finally received some info about our adoption before I did. I was thrilled he had that moment. I burst into ugly crying. Relief. Joy. The end and the beginning all wrapped up at once. We hugged each other for a while. I called my mom and then texted a few close friends. The rest of yesterday was a whirlwind [as was today!].

THE TRAVEL PLANS :: We are leaving for Ethiopia on Christmas Eve morning. Can you believe that?!? We arrive on Sunday and get to pick up Judah and Addise on Monday morning. They will be with us for good! We will only be in Ethiopia for 5 days. And we will be back home on New Year's Eve. Seriously, it's this magical? Divine? Appointed?

When we got our referral in August, several people [including my brother, Matt, and our prayer warrior friend, Maria] said they'd pray specifically that Judah and Addise would be home by "the end of '10". I told them it was impossible. It didn't phase them. They prayed for it and it's happened.

We are in awe. And panic. And overwhelmed with joy and stress. And absorbing every moment. And making a few last minute trips to Target and Babies R Us. And trying to return phone calls and texts. And sending our family's Christmas gifts. We will be on a plane to hold our babies in just 13 days.

God is good. I've been shamelessly, loudly singing Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is You" in my car for weeks. God heard. Like my friend Christina has been praying over me for over a year, God remembers. He has. We are beyond words...

My prayer warrior friend, Maria, spent some time praying for us this past weekend and sent me this passage from God. She said she didn't hear anything from God about our kids except: Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. Can you believe how specific and good God is? May this remind you of the kind of God we have...

Isaiah 35 - Joy of the Redeemed
1 The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.
3 Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;
4 say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”
5 Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
6 Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.
7 The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.
8 And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness;
it will be for those who walk on that Way.
The unclean will not journey on it;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
9 No lion will be there,
nor any ravenous beast;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,
10 and those the LORD has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

** Tomorrow, the big reveal of their room will finally hit the blog world. Stay tuned...

Birth Certificates!

Great news! We found out this morning that Judah and Addise got their Ethiopian birth certificates today. Hope arises! A lot needs to happen in the next 7 days, including passing another round of medicals, but it's still possible for us to get the 28th Embassy date!

Thank you so much for praying with us to have the kids home by the end of '10. Grateful.

Nausea

I haven't talked much about leaving Judah and Addise behind, but every time I have talked about it, I've cried. It was one of THE. MOST. PAINFUL. THINGS. I. HAVE. EVER. DONE.

I've said a few times that I feel like a terrible mother. What parent gets on a plane and leaves her children in Africa!??! I know, I know. But that's just ONE example of how crazy this process is.

When it was time to leave Tikuret and our children, I started a slow meltdown that lasted hours. The nurse had to pry Addise out of my arms and put her in her crib. Seriously, how could they expect me to willingly lay down my daughter, leave that orphanage, get on a plane, and leave her in "strangers" care for undisclosed weeks upon weeks????

The only way I could do it is grace that God cares for them and knowledge that we WERE coming back.

After I laid Addise down in her crib, I snuggled her in the pink blanket we brought her, kissed her lips and forehead one more time, and dragged myself out of her room. Brian was holding Judah and got to kiss her goodbye, too.

We wanted to say goodbye to Judah last. He's older. He's the most aware of what's going on, and yet we have no idea how much he's really processing. He's the one we are most concerned about with his loss, grieving, transitions, and his overall healing.

We walked into Judah's playroom with a bunch of other toddlers, and knelt down next to him. His big brown eyes soaking in everything. He held Brian's hand and I rubbed his head and back. The moment is frozen in time for me. Tears even now remembering that moment. It was time to say goodbye to our son. We silently prayed over his little soul, kissed his cheeks, and pointed him toward playing with his friends. Brian and I walked out of the room and closed the door. I immediately started weeping. Brian held me for a while, and I had a flashback to February 15th, 2009. The day we found our our last fertility treatment failed. And in that moment, like only God can, he spoke.

This is the last painful moment in this tremendously painful journey toward becoming a family. I've formed your family.

While it was so hard to walk out of the orphanage, I left with gratitude and hope that this is the end. My friend Kelly used to say frequently after disappointing infertility results, "this is not the end". She was right. The end is right around the corner.

We flew out of Ethiopia a few hours later on a red eye, and I experienced one of the weirdest things of my life. I was trying to fall asleep so I could get a few hours of sleep before we hit the ground running in Germany. I was drifting asleep as we started taking off, and then something took over my body. I started feeling the WORST nausea that I've ever experienced. The blood drained from my face, I broke into a cold sweat, and weakly whispered Brian's name for help. He grabbed the plane's puke bag [awesome], and for about 5 minutes I sat convincing myself not to hurl everywhere. Brian couldn't figure out where this came from, but I knew. I was leaving my babies in Ethiopia. The nausea was an emotional response from the physical separation we were experiencing. I will never forget that feeling or flight from Ethiopia.

Watching this uncut video will give you a window into "why" I nearly threw up all over Lufthansa's plan...Judah and Addise are 2 amazing kids and I miss them entirely.

Hair on Fire to Be Still

Since we got back from Ethiopia 3 weeks ago, I feel like we've been running around with our hair on fire! It's been nearly non-stop since we landed at LAX and began final preparations for becoming parents and taking time off from work. Our days and nights have been filled with work, constant errands to Target and Babies R Us, late night email checks, meeting up with friends, long small group dinners, last minute dates with my babies' daddy, kids' room makeover, maternity leave arrangements, turkey day celebration, Christmas decorating and shopping, and 2 baby showers. You have noticed, I've done very little blogging. Now maybe you know why! :)

And even in the midst of all this, I am so energized. All this frantic activity is for our kids, preparing them to come home to be with us forever. I am filled with delight, joy, gratitude, and bursting with hope these days. Very few things discourage me, get me annoyed, or truly aggravate me. It is well with my soul.

Last week, I was able to slow down for a day of solitude at my favorite place to be silent and be with God, The Montage. For the past 5+ years, I've walked to this place almost every month to see this waiting for me....gorgeous, I know!

For the past 3+ years I've processed and grieved so very much the death of a dream [pregnancy], longing [to have a family], and waded through waiting [through our infertility and adoption]. Seeing the ocean when I've walked up to these stairs has been my refuge and now is my Ebenezer.

Walking down these stairs toward the beach every month, I often walked in on the verge of tears and sadness. But I also walked in expectant to see, hear, touch, and experience God in a new way.

Isaiah 40 became a battle cry for my soul. The end of the chapter summarized my prayer:

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint."

Walking up these stairs at the end of my days, I sensed God's closeness and presence in ways I know I would not have had I not taken the time to STOP and BE WITH him. I walked away hopeful, renewed, and connected to Jesus.

It really was from this bench, with this view that the most amount of soul renovation took place. I read. I wept. I sat. I slept. I listened. I journalled. I talked with my spiritual director. I questioned. I waited.

Also, nearly EVERY time that I sat on this bench I saw dolphins swimming by - jumping, playing, making cute dolphin noises. After a few consecutive months, I started sensing that those dolphins symbolized God's great love for me and his desire for me to swim in his grace. I cried every time I saw them.

Last week, when I sat on this bench again I saw something different. I'm not entirely sure what I saw, but for about 20 minutes I saw at least a couple hundred seals swimming about 100 yards off the coast. A multitude of seals! For 20 minutes! I'm not a prophet, but I sensed in my spirit the Spirit saying something new...

Isaiah 43:18-19 has been a repetitive passage for me over the years:

"But forget all that—
it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

I don't know when I'll be able to go to The Montage again. I'm guessing it'll be a little while. But on this silence and solitude day, there was space to reflect on all God's done and a deep sense of one chapter closing and another beginning. I didn't see a dozen dolphins on that day, like I have for years. I saw hundreds of what appeared to be seals. Something new...

Bring Those Babies Home!

Well, we've been back from Ethiopia for 3 weeks now, and the most frequent question I'm asked is "when are Judah and Addise coming home!??!" I love the question because our community, friends, and family are ready for them to be home, nearly as much as we are. :) I'm becoming a broken record responding to that question. I know my blogging absence is a part of the reason.

• What are you waiting on? We are waiting to be assigned our US Embassy date!
  
• What are "they" doing during this time?
  Applying for Judah and Addise's Birth Certificates :: ~ a couple weeks after passing court. It's now been 3 weeks for us, and they still don't have their birth certificates. I've been praying all weekend that they'd have them TOMORROW!
  Ethiopian Passports :: ~3 or 4 days processing time.
  Embassy Physicals :: this is to double check some tests and do a TB test.
  Once all the above documents are ready, they have to be submitted to the Embassy on one of our Tuesdays that our agency have appointments AND at least 2 weeks in advance of when we will travel. Therefore, the average time between court and Embassy appointment is about 6-8 weeks.
• When's the earliest you could travel? We found out this week that we did NOT get the 12/14 Embassy date. Definitely a disappointment. But there's still a chance that we could get the next date, 12/28 [this is 7 weeks after we passed court!]. If we don't get that Embassy date, the next one isn't until 1/12. That's truly unacceptable to me. That will be 2 months after we passed court. Ugh. Knowing they are growing up without us is heartbreaking.
  

PLEASE pray with us for that 12/28 Embassy date.
If we get that date, we will most likely leave for Ethiopia on Christmas morning.
The best Christmas gift ever!

Trusting. Hoping. Praying. Attempting to Surrender...

[some of the first photos we received of Judah and Addise!]