We've had Judah and Addise for 7 weeks as of today. Hard to imagine what life was like without them. They are unmistakeably Diaz's. We are unmistakeably a family [however when we are in public I sometimes think that other people think I'm their nanny].
The past 7 weeks have been filled with one transition and adjustment after another. We're starting to find our new normal - after the first few weeks of straight up survival mode and travel recovery followed by 2+ weeks with family's helping hands. Now we are exploring what "normal" life looks like for our family of four, especially including going back to work. Each week that goes by we see progress in our kiddos and that's exceptionally encouraging, but it's still really hard and we have to discipline ourselves not to wistfully dream about when things will get easier.
The two things that have been most difficult have been sleep and communication. Brian puts Addise to sleep for every nap and bedtime. It takes him 20-30 minutes to feed her bottle and rock her to sleep before laying her into her crib. So, he's spending 60-90 minutes every day rocking our baby girl. Yes, he loves it, but we're beginning to get tired and long for those minutes to be used for things like work.
Judah's been difficult with sleep ever since we've been home. Scratch that - he's great going to sleep for his afternoon nap, but bedtime is brutal for all of us. He has progressed from thrashing and screaming to simply taking FOREVER to fall asleep. He doesn't cry when we're rocking him or even when he's laying in his pack 'n play at the foot of our bed, but he whimpers and cries if we stop touching his back or try to leave the room. Last night it took us nearly 2 hours to get him to sleep. It's crazy hard. All Brian and I long for at the end of the day is a few hours alone together. Then, in the middle of the night, both kids are still fairly regularly waking up. Sometimes it's only for 5-10 minutes, other nights it's for closer to an hour. We feel like zombies on those nights and morning comes too soon. Judah's internal body clock wakes him up at 5:59am almost every morning. It's bizarre and maddening. He typically hangs in bed with us until 7:30am, but that time is usually filled with babbling, rolling around, and occasional kicking. Our son is a morning person and his parents are not. Conflict of interests.
Judah's also dealing with [or we are dealing with] tantrums several times a day. Most of the time the tantrums come when he doesn't get his way, needs a little love, needs some protein...or for no apparent reason. His tantrums aren't long or wailing, but they are repetitive and whiny enough to wear us out over time. I also think that his tantrums are directly linked to how well he's sleeping.
The biggest thing that we know will change things is communication. It's easy to temporarily forget that we speak 2 different languages. Literally. Our social worker said that it will take Judah up to 4-6 months to get caught up on language [loosing his Amharic, understanding English, and speaking at as he should for his age]. This is really the most frustrating thing for all of us! Judah whines and points to things sometimes and we just can't figure out what he's trying to say or ask for. We constantly feel like we're parenting: banana or orange? up? go outside? that's mommy's. come here, Judah. gentle buddy. It's like we're in language class with a 2 year old every day who's experiencing loss and transition on top of being a terrible 2.
No wonder we're tired.
Really though, at the end of the day [like right now as I sit in our kitchen and Brian's attempting to put Judah to sleep after 47 minutes of persistence] we adore our Judah and Addise. I don't even need to say that! They make us laugh all day. They are great eaters. They love each other as evidenced by near french kissing every day. They dance and giggle and learn new words every day. Addise is bravely attempting walking. We are in love. But there are at least two sides to every story and we are adjusting to our new normal.
You know, I really appreciate your honesty. My wife and I are adopting and it's sometimes hard to find people who write honestly about the struggles that come once the baby(ies) arrive. Of course you love them, but it isn't always sunshine and roses. We'll be praying for you and the bonding/transition process. God Bless!
ReplyDeleteHi April,
ReplyDeleteJust want to say, I feel your pain sista! :)
Jordan, our youngest (think he is a few months older than Juddah) is going through the same thing. He takes FOREVER to go to sleep and is very clingy with Jim and I. He wants to be carried and held all the time. Jayson, our oldest is great at falling asleep but is up nice and early. He also has his share of tantrums...telling us "no" all the time which sounds like (Emmm Bee and doing the shoulder shrug). Like you guys we are so in love with our two little guys that you just figure out how to deal. I have resorted to buying extra concealer to cover my sleepless under eye circles. :)
xoxo- Jasmin
Parenthood in a nutshell!! I always say God gave us this overwhelming love for our babies in order to keep our sanity when we'd otherwise lose it!
ReplyDeleteI get it. YOU are not ALONE! Our son did the same things upon coming home and just in case you need to hear it- IT DOES GET EASIER! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThanks for being so transparent and honest. It's hard for all parents, but for adoptive parents there is a whole new level of hard. And there is reason for that. You and Brian are not crazy and your kids are not abnormal.
ReplyDeleteHere are 2 VERY helpful resources. AMAZING to help understand adoption from the child's perspective and practical insight on what you as a parent can do to make the transition easier and long lasting:)
Heather Forbes http://www.beyondconsequences.com/ "Beyond Consequences and Control."
Brian Post: from Post Institute http://www.postinstitute.com/ ..lot's of really good resources and books... just reread "from fear to love"... excellent! (Brian is my dad's mentor)
I have been praying for you since I new your were pursuing adoptiog... i knew this part was coming... God's peace and goodness be with you!
I do not want to give you advice for your children because I do not know them. You are the best judge to decide how to help your little ones. This is something we did with our children, prayerfully, and it seemed to help us a lot!
ReplyDeleteWe brought Ruby home three months ago. We were holding her to go to sleep several times a day and several times a night. After about 2 months, we needed to figure something out. Our older two children were being neglected and as you know, both parents cannot be at home all the time. We had to teach dear sweet Ruby to sleep. So, we used the "cry it out method" kind of.
This is not recommended in attachment parenting with adoptive children. We had to decide what would help everyone in our family and how attached Ruby was. She is a snuggley girl and appears very attached to us. So, we established a routine and did it. We read a book, we sing a song, we give lots of kisses and snuggles and then it is in her bed she goes.
The first day was AWFUL! (just like with our other two). She just cried, did not sleep until night time. We went in every five minutes kissed her head and laid her down, said 'night night'. Brutal! Second day - a little less brutal and she did fall asleep after 1 hour of crying. Third day - 10 minutes of crying.
Ever since it's been pretty good. We still hold her sometimes to go to sleep. Sometimes she needs it and sometimes we need it. But for the most part she does it on her own with a bit of fussing and mostly some playing in her bed. She is 12 months old today - we did this at 11 months.
So, take it for what it's worth. It was our choice for our family. You know your sweet children and what they need (or can guess better than I). I'm not sure what I would do with a 2 year old.
I am praying for your family lots!
Blessings!
Thank you thank you thank you for writing this we brought home our two boys 3weeks ago and we are going insane with this exact stuff. I was starting to feel like it was just us dealing with this kind of stuff.
ReplyDeleteApril - thank you so much for your honesty about how things are going - you are helping me know the reality of what I should expect in a few months. Please know that I am so often praying for all of you. Hang in there, and may God's grace pour down upon you all!
ReplyDeleteSheryl W.
Thanks for posting- it's encouraging to hear what you're going through so we can better prep for the months that lie ahead of us!
ReplyDeleteHang in there mommy. you sound like a seasoned mom! i second the idea of sleep training if that's an option for you. lots of tears at first but sooo much better afterwards for everyone. and the motor teacher at A's school told us to make them run around, take a few laps or do a series of exercises, right before bedtime. sounds odd but it works most of the time. gets it all out of their system and they have no choice but to just fall asleep. A's record was 1minute. literally. good luck!
ReplyDeleteyou don't know me (I found you through Dr. McKnight's blog)! We have 3 adopted from Russia; our third has been home 6 months. and of course I'm here to say "us, too!" and "hang in there; you're doing great!" Things that have helped us: We have gotten some help from Early Childhood Intervention--the Occupation Therapist has been most helpful. In addition to the emotional "stuff" our kids go through; their sensory systems are often overloaded too! We also changed our bedtime routine from rocking/reading to snuggling/watching Baby Einstein and that helped. So don't be afraid to try something new if your routine doesn't seem to work. and trust your instincts as you try and think about what he needs to "learn" to be able to sleep. we're thinking of doing a sleep study to see what might be going on with his night wakings; I'll let you know if we find out any good tips! Sorry this is so long from a stranger! I'll pray for you tonight as I'm trying to get mine to sleep!
ReplyDeleteas if my first comment wasn't long enough...we also use a weighted blanket for bedtimes for our oldest and youngest. helps quite a bit.
ReplyDeleteApril~
ReplyDeleteI think of you 4 often and pray all is going well! I have no idea what you are going through as an adoptive mom, but just wanted to let you know that even us biological ones experience these things - you have a lot of company out there! :) Alex (4 yrs) is almost always up before 6 (FRUSTRATING!) and is much more emotional than the girls b/c of this. At some point we have had to train all 4 kids to go to sleep on their own. It is NOT easy, but is well worth it! I try to read a book to the older ones before nap (& let them keep it in bed) and give the younger one some hugs & kisses, but then off to bed. Marcus (20 mos) will occasionally wake up 45 min. into his nap so I will rock him then or just hold him a while before putting back in his crib. I will start praying for you guys when i'm putting my kids to bed, knowing you're just a couple hours behind us! Also wanted to say that from the words "get ready for bed" until they're all in & settled is usually about 30-60 minutes. It just takes a while to take baths, get snacks, put on jammies, go potty or put on a diaper etc... I try to start the process by 6:30 or 7:00 to meet their 7:30 bedtime. Seems early, but then their dad & I still get a little time before the day is over. Hope you find something that eases your kids into bedtime.
~Laura