2011 - Our FIRST Year as a Family of 4+1

This has been the year of firsts more than any other in our life together. It's been a year of hopes fulfilled, stretching, utter joy, wild re-imagining, and expectancy. 2011 was a year to remember and impossible to forget!

Winter [January-March]: Our year began boarding a plane on January 7, Ethiopia's Christmas, to bring home Judah and Addise. Dreams fulfilled. Promises realized. Joy complete. Our first international trip as a family of four. We were finally a family.

I experienced my first [and apparently not last!] maternity leave through the generosity of our church. We were so radically blessed with meals, groceries, errands, and presence in those 10 weeks. Maternity leave was such a gift to begin the attachment process with J&A. Maternity leave also confirmed my divine calling to ministry and deepened my love for our people at Newsong Church.

Only a few weeks into parenthood Brian's birthday all but slipped by as we barely acknowledged his 32nd birthday amidst poopy diapers, hour-long meals, night terrors and exhaustion. Sorry, baby.

We experienced lots of firsts for Addise: her first birthday, tooth which has multiplied into 14 teeth to date, first steps turned into frantic running, one word has since become a non-stop babble, the first tantrum which has shown us her strong personality that she's not afraid to display.

Though the big brother, we also experienced lots and lots of Judah's firsts: his first English words in those early days which began a snowball of learning, his first mouthful of teeth after coming home with only a dozen, his first birthday with us, his first night of sleep without terror, his first spoken prayer, his first chosen kisses and snuggles, his first haircut at home.

In the moment of all those firsts we celebrated our kids' growth and process, and silently grieved the other "firsts" we had missed in their lives. Yet, we are radically grateful that we love J&A because he first loved us.

Our kids' first meeting of our extended family as my mom, dad, brother, and Granny came in those early days to help our desperate little family and meet the newest Diaz's. I could not have been more grateful.

I experienced my first trip away from our kids as I traveled to Dallas for a 30 hour speaking gig. It re-instilled my love for students and the mission God's set me on, yet re-imagined it as mother.

Spring [April-June]: There was our first family photo shoot in April at my sacred Montage Beach. For a while every time we hopped in the car Judah said, "mommy, ocean?"

Our first family vacation at my family's gorgeous condo on Florida's beach.

Spring also marked a role change at Newsong and I wondered why the heck God would increase my responsibility in the midst of my greatest life change. Utter dependence. I'm finding it's the only way to live.

I went momentarily crazy and took both kids back to the Midwest for several days - ALONE!!! - to celebrate my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary and introduce them to the newest grandkids. Whole crying at DFW with 2 toddlers-in-tow and searching for Judah's missing shoe, I wondered if I'd lost my mind only 6 months into parenting.

Summer [July-August]: Brian got his first trip away from the madness. He got to experience ComiCon with friends as I experienced shock-and-awe of 3 days alone with our kids.

August 5th Brian and I celebrated our 10th anniversary with a 24-hour getaway, courtesy of my mom. We had 4 meals in exclusive adult conversation and were allowed to simply reconnect as friends, partners, and lovers, not just as co-parents. And I celebrated my 32nd birthday.

Summer and Fall I've found myself in quite challenging leadership circumstances, navigating change and transition at a pace only the Spirit can keep up with. There are many firsts for me in these deep waters, including a leadership loneliness that demands intimacy with Jesus and my husband above all else.

Fall [September-November]: In spite of the attachment issues, hundreds of dollars on diapers, and sleep deprived months, this month held our most surprising first this year: a positive pregnancy test. Having never seen a positive home pregnancy test, this news sent us into speechless terror and the beginnings of celebration at another new life.

Our first Thanksgiving as a family, including our kids' first taste of turkey. They were not impressed. I also purchased my first pair of maternity pants.

Advent and Beyond: Now, this is our first Christmas together a family of 4+1. Advent looks a bit different as we expectantly await "God with us". Presents and decorations carried a different tenor as we anticipated chubby black hands tearing wrapping paper. Traveling back to see our families have been especially more meaningful, especially as Brian's side of the family met J&A. Introducing Judah to the wonder of Santa Claus ["ho ho ho!"] and telling him the real Christmas story beckons for my childlike wonder. Putting on snowsuits so little Ethiopians can play in a few inches of snow was a Christmas highlight. Holding my belly and imagining what next Christmas will look like. Celebrating 11 years ago when the man of my dreams proposed to me this month. Expectant of God how will meet all our felt and unspoken needs in our growing family. These are the ways we are holding the Christ-child this year. We are grateful for the God who knows, has come close, and is with us in the midst of everything.

Merriest of Christmases and Happiest of New Year from our Family of 4+1. 

Blessing Baby

A couple weeks ago, shortly after announcing Baby #3's life within me, I walked into a group of about 20 high school students praying passionately. They were declaring their identity in Christ, praying for courage, praying for blessing, praying for more of God. It was every youth pastor's dream.

They stopped praying for a moment, saw me sitting in the back, cheered congratulations for our baby, and asked me to pray. In the moment, all I wanted is for them to pray for me, our family, this baby.

For the next 10-15 minutes these students, whom I've known, loved, and poured into for years, prayed over this baby, our family, and my pregnancy. To say it was moving would be an understatement. Many of these students laid hands on me and passionately prayed all kinds of blessing and prophetic prayers into our family. As one of the students was praying, he announced that this was a Blessing Baby, our baby is a blessing and is to be a blessing. Speechless. I was and am so deeply grateful for every heartfelt prayer submitted before God on our behalf.

At the end of their prayers, their leader spoke this pasage over our family. I couldn't help but think this was exactly what we needed to hear about this unexpected pregnancy...

Isaiah 55:8-13 [The Message]

"I don't think the way you think.
   The way you work isn't the way I work."
"For as the sky soars high above earth,
   so the way I work surpasses the way you work,
   and the way I think is beyond the way you think.
Just as rain and snow descend from the skies
   and don't go back until they've watered the earth,
Doing their work of making things grow and blossom,
   producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,
So will the words that come out of my mouth
   not come back empty-handed.
They'll do the work I sent them to do,
   they'll complete the assignment I gave them.
 "So you'll go out in joy,
   you'll be led into a whole and complete life.
The mountains and hills will lead the parade,
   bursting with song.
All the trees of the forest will join the procession,
   exuberant with applause.
No more thistles, but giant sequoias,
   no more thornbushes, but stately pines—
Monuments to me, to God,
   living and lasting evidence of God."

 Out of the mouths of babes, WISDOM speaks.

Colorful Family

Several weeks ago we were talking with some close friends about our yet-public pregnancy, and all of a sudden our friend a shocked look came across his face. He looked at us and announced, "Oh my gosh! I just realized this baby isn't going to be black. WEIRD!" Brian and I looked at each other and had the same shocked reaction. What?!? But our children our black!?!

Literally, multiple times over the past several weeks I've caught myself in the reality check that, indeed, this baby will not be Ethiopian. This will be a Caucasian-Puerto Rican baby.

We've chuckled that our biological child will be the minority of our family. Typically, the concern in multi-racial adoptive families is that that adoptive child will feel like the minority, but in our colorful family [white momma, Hispanic daddy, 2 Ethiopian babies, and 1 multi-racial baby] we're all mixed up.

I think God must be happily chuckling, too. Seriously, I must keep reminding myself that Baby #3 won't be black. Add that to the "crazy things" about being pregnant list.

"How Long?" for Women in Ministry

Last year I was asked to write a piece for my dear friend who's helping to publish a rather large project. Today I got word that my piece must be dropped because of some behind-the-scenes politics. "How Long?" seems a more fitting cry than ever from the psalmist and my fellow women.  My friend asked me to write a piece, based off Psalm 40, regarding women in ministry. 


Though this is a wildly different post than my norm, I thought it would be appropriate to share on my blog. Please read Psalm 40 first and then my piece...

Psalm 40

Waiting. No one likes waiting. Maybe least of all me. I’ve waited for my entire life to see your Church reflect your heart to see men and women lead your people. Equally. With skillful hands and integrity of heart [Psalm 78:72].  I’ve waited for your Church to wake up and get it that we have as much to contribute to the Kingdom as men do! I wish your Word was painfully clear about our contribution equality!

Too many times I’ve seen women in the pit of despair because they have not been allowed to use their voice, their gifts, their experiences, their very calling to build the Kingdom. You have not stopped them from leading and teaching, Lord; your people have. 

My sisters and I have cried when we’ve been told “no”, “be quiet”, “this is not your place”. We need your rescue, God. We desperately need you to bring good news in places where we are pushed down, snuffed out, and negotiated around. Your Kingdom suffers when we are relegated to roles and ministries and places where we are not gifted or passionate. How long?

Our circumstances may not change, our culture may never fully reflect your heart for your Church, but you never change. You are solid and steady and trustworthy. When your Church may fail me, I can still be amazed by who you are. I will find my hope in who you are, not in an outcome – a promotion or a platform or power. I will receive a new song that you give me and sing to the rooftops of who you are and what you’ve done.  I will serve you fully and contribute my best to your Kingdom, even in the midst of broken systems and unjust theology. Give me the courage I need to be faithful today.

How long will we sing this song? When I grieve for what your Church is not yet, I must remember that you are a God of justice and have called ordinary people like me to bring justice on earth as it is in heaven [Matthew 5:10]. Help me not be afraid to speak out and speak for those who do not have a voice.

You have written your calling upon my heart and I will not forsake you. I will take joy in following you no matter what anyone else says.  Help me listen to you more and more and follow you obediently. Thank you for my calling, even if it’s not honored among others.

copywright 2010 April L. Diaz

Pregnancy: Messy and Unfiltered

First of all, a heartfelt THANK YOU to the hundreds of you who've read our blog, texted me, called me, posted on Facebook, emailed/messaged me, and hugged me over the past week. It has been quite humbling and overwhelming to receive your joy and congratulations. It has literally enCOURAGEd me and boltered my capacity to celebrate this pregnancy more freely. Thank you.

Also, thank you for carefully guarding your tongue as you've jubilantly celebrated this pregnancy. While we have been recipients of "stupid comments", it pales in comparison to the sensitive, thoughtful, and loving words we've received. For that I am most profoundly grateful.

So, on to some of your questions - stated and sensed - as to "how are you feeling?" in this pregnancy.

PHYSICALLY :: Not bad considering I'm growing a human inside of me [so weird, right?!?]. My first trimester wasn't wonderful but it was so much better than many of my friends' pregnancies. I never puked and only felt nauseous for about a month off and on. My biggest nemesis was exhaustion. Pure, utter, uncontrollable exhaustion. For a while I couldn't decipher whether it was because I was pregnant or just tired from working full time and being a mom to two toddlers. Eventually, I gave in to the reality that it was all of it combined. Brian said I've been at 60-70% of my normal capacity, but since my coworkers couldn't tell most of the time I consider that pretty darn good.

I've felt pregnant since before we officially found out in mid-October because of the wacky symptoms I was experiencing. But since we aren't conversing over a cup of decaf coffee, I'll spare you the unappetizing specifics. Suffice it to say that what makes you impregnate-able beforehand makes you not-so-attractive after getting knocked up. Follow me?

EMOTIONALLY :: This is a loaded one question. Like I alluded in my previous post, I will unpack this further in the days to come. Yet I will elaborate a bit more here. We wanted to adopt again. I didn't want to get pregnant after experiencing the miracle of adoption. I had FULLY died to the dream of carrying a child and was totally accepting of that. The thought of having 3 kids under the age of 4 join our family in the span of 18 months is quite intimidating. The fact that we drive 2 Honda Civics and live in a cozy 2 bedroom, 1100 square foot condo without a washer/dryer cramps my style. The shocking reality that our baby will not be black like his/her sibling still confounds me. The fears of others' comments about Judah and Addise and Baby #3 could be paralyzing if I thought about it too long. Accepting that my body is hosting then sustaining another's life for nearly 18 months doesn't fit my ideal. It's also been a bit guilt inducing that I'm not altogether joyful about this miracle. After all we've been through, why wouldn't my wholehearted, exclusive response be worship to Creator God?

These are not insurmountable feelings, but they are requiring me to name them all and take them to the Cross where Jesus can deal with them and me together. My feelings are nothing God is surprised by nor overwhelmed with. He's been patient with me as I've taken them to him one by one and let him transform them.

Emotionally, it's also a HUGE relief that people now know. I felt like a fraud and liar for 6+ weeks walking around. When people asked, "how are you?" I wanted to blurt out, "PREGNANT! What the $&@%?!?" But instead I eeked out some lame response. I also feel more authentic in my clothes, not trying so desperately to hide a belly demanding attention. Daily I felt betrayed by my tightening jeans and unforgiving shirts. Finally, I can say, "I'm pregnant. I'm not just getting fat." What a load off.

RELATIONALLY :: Brian and I are doing really well. Honestly, he's been way more excited [albeit still very overwhelmed] than I have since day one. But he's been careful and sensitive to allowing me to journey through my emotions. He's really the most amazing, wise man. He has said that I've been more irritable and grumpy with him, but he gets that I've been growing body parts inside of my body. As a sci-fi guy, he gets this and sympathizes. Our time together seems to be more defined by exhaustion these days [me growing a baby; him pulling extra weight in our family], but after 10+ years of marriage there's a deep connection and "I got your back" determination.

Our kiddos are also doing great with this news they don't fully understand. When I ask Addise where mommy's baby is, she gets a very puzzled and determined look over her face, then repeats "baby" on turbo speed until she finds one of her baby dolls and brings it to me. Pure simplicity! When I ask Judah where the baby is, he replies verbatim every time, "there's a baby in mommy's belly." The other morning I asked him while he was playing and he said the above statement, then ran over to me, pointed to my bulging belly and cleverly exclaimed, "I found it!" Pure joy!

SPIRITUALLY :: This is the most wonderfully messy and complex part. Again, I promise to unpack my soul over the coming posts, but I will say I'm in a familiar a place of surrender and dependency like I was throughout our adoption journey. As a friend told me today, "God reminded me for you that he's way more interested in the journey than the outcome. God said 'Journey'." Very little of this pregnancy makes sense to me other than God proving that he's a God of miracles and humor. In fact, laughter is my favorite response from people when they find out we are pregnant. It shows they've entered into the craziness with us. Wonder and awe are my next favorite responses because those seem to make sense with who God is to us, too. [Although a shock-filled response is most like our response.]

Prayers are greatly appreciated. Any words from the Lord? We'll take them. Just be sure he wants us to hear "that" word now. :) There's a lot to figure out in the next 27 weeks. Ai ai ai. And because I'm feeling bold this evening, my first pregnancy picture...

12 weeks pregnant...cannot believe the size of this baby bump!