Plan A :: Ethiopia to the Womb

5 months

2012-01-22T19:07:00.000-08:00

Today marks 20 weeks pregnant with our son. I'm halfway there!

To be honest, though, this has been the roughest month of pregnancy for me. I've experienced more physical discomfort, pain, exhaustion, stretching, and nauseous that my first 4 months combined. Vomit, gas, indigestion, utter exhaustion, and physical depletion have all been a major part of this past month of pregnancy. It may have some to do with 2 weeks of holiday traveling, my belly growing, caring for 2 toddlers, and a few very emotionally exhausting work weeks, but I'm desperately praying this isn't a trend for the remainder of my pregnancy. The past couple weeks have involved a LOT of tears, Tums, careful eating, desperate prayers, silent fears. If you need further proof that we are less-than-perfect, the Christmas tree wast just taken down 4 days ago and is still sitting in our living room in it's box.

REDEMPTION. Instead of working a satisfying and FULL work day today at my church, I spent the day in bed. I woke up and knew I wasn't feeling ok. But I pulled myself out of bed, took a shower, starting putting on makeup, and then sent a text to our [male] lead pastor and [male] co-worker that I was feeling awful and needed prayer. The next 5 minutes of text exchanges lead me to literally weeping in my bathroom: "rest with joy", "we are a team", "we got your back", "take care of yourself and baby". While wiping away hormonal tears to read the texts, I realized the tears were both present and historic.

Present because THIS has been the worst week of pregnancy. I've felt terrible most of the week and by yesterday felt utterly discouraged at the feat of carrying my son for another 20 weeks. I've tried to tough it out this week - at work and at home - while still quietly attending to my body and baby. It's left me exhausted.

But my tears also opened up a historic wound and fear in my leadership journey. Since the early days of ministry, I've been afraid - rightfully and imagined - that my being feminine would eventually place a ceiling on my influence. I felt that most acutely as a mother. So, too often I've erred on the side of not crying on the job, faking feminine pain, speaking like a man when my feminine voice is more needed, not talking about my infertility or kids' latest accomplishments, etc.

However, being on staff at Newsong for nearly the past 8 years has been very healing and freeing for me. Our mostly-male leadership has affirmed, blessed, promoted, and stood by me in the most unlikely times - like this morning. Receiving texts like these this morning - when all I wanted to do is suck in my protruding belly, push through the yuckiness, and pretend to be Super Momma-Pastor - they didn't let me. They didn't ask invasive questions or challenge my plea for prayer. They didn't ask if I thought I could still fulfill my significant responsibilities today or ask that I find replacements. They simply blessed me and prayed for me. My risk to be vulnerable was monumentally healing for me and, I believe, restoring for the community I lead in.

LIMITS. If there's just one lesson to be learned in pregnancy for me, it's accepting my limits. Today was a clear example but there's been a hundred over the past few months. Some close friends gently, firmly, and compassionately chastised me a couple weeks ago that though the demands of my job and motherhood are evident these days, there is nothing more important than caring for the little man growing inside of me. I only get 1 shot to be pregnant, only 9 months to set him on a developmental trajectory that will impact the rest of his life, only one shot to "enjoy" these 9 months. It was a reset of my limits and priorities that I think about every day. Though I may not be able to work 12-hour days anymore or throw my babies up in the air, I must care for this little being consuming my womb and every conscious moment. I'm the ONLY one who can do this job.

As for a picture of my belly, here's a picture I took a couple days ago from our HORRENDOUS women's restrooms at work. The background is an atrocity and it's a self-portrait into a mirror, but at least it captures nearly 20 weeks en utero for our son.

I have to say, maternity pants are the BEST!
So comfy and no zippers and buttons to deal with when going to the bathroom. BONUS!

NAMES. Also, on a very random note, we have no idea what to name our son. We have a few names in the queue but no glorious moment affirmed by singing angels. Again, naming Judah and Addise was borderline divine and simple. For this baby, we had the PERFECT first AND middle name selected. I even have back-up girl names. But to name this boy feels impossible. I've resorted at this point to reading movie credit names and listening into stranger's conversations for tips. Our major problem is the 1) we want a creative and somewhat unique name, like J&A, and 2) it must be highly meaningful and somewhat prophetic for our son's life. That eliminates about one million names. And once you start looking for names for YOUR child, you realize how many names you hate.

Again, if you have any suggestions on where to look for names let me know. And you'll get bonus points if you can direct me to a place where I can search for names by meaning [ex: names that mean "restore" are...].

Thanks for hanging with me in the sob story of today. And for praying. I know it changes things, especially me.

365

2012-01-15T20:48:00.000-08:00

What a difference a year can make. 365 days ago we stumbled off an airplane into the arms of sweet friends after a harrowing 40+ hour of flights plus emergency 24 hour DC layover so our new family of 4 could catch our breath after the trauma of our kids' first transcontinental flight.

Proof that we were utterly spent after this trip HOME.

The first time our kids had ever been in a car seat.

365 days ago Judah didn't know a word of English, and Addise didn't have a single tooth.

365 days ago I had no idea how much my heart would expand in ravishing love for our 2 babes.

365 days ago I had no idea how much it'd cost us to raise two toddlers.

365 days Brian and I wouldn't have guessed how many stories we'd tell each other after they went to bed, instead of just talking amongst ourselves.

365 days later, we celebrated our 1 year together at HOME as a FAMILY of 4+1 in a most unusual yet fitting way. This morning, Brian ran his first half marathon (that's 13.1 miles!!) for our friends in Malawi. On behalf of World Vision he raised over $1000 to help build clean water wells. He ran alongside over 700 other World Vision runners who together raised over $350,000 for the forgotten and poor of our world. It was only fitting that with our children, who are no longer orphans, we remembered those who are once like they were.

Celebrating 1 year HOME together!!! Picture just moments after Brian completed his 13.1 mile race in support of our friends in Malawi (with World Vision).

Today, I kissed our babies a little more than often, snuggled them after their naps a little tighter, practiced more patience in their difficult moments, tickled them longer, and deeply thanked our God for our growing family.

Tonight, we celebrated Brian's race and our big family day with PJs, special prayers of blessing, and pizza.

What a difference a year can make!

Here's to year two as a family of 4+1.

What Potty Training Reveals about My Soul

2012-01-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

We are taking the plunge sooner than later into the terrifying world of potty training. We've decided, per our social worker's encouragement, to potty train both of them at the same time.

Typing those sentences terrifies me for so many reasons. I can only imagine the amount of rogue urine and feces that will show in places in our house beyond the toilet. I anticipate crying and screaming and exasperation from parents and children alike.

Truth-be-told, I'm most afraid of being incompetent and out-of-control and messy. I'm not just afraid of these things in potty training. I'm afraid of them in life. Yet if there are 3 descriptors of my life these days, those would probably illuminate how I feel many days in many contexts. And it brings pain.

And healing. And wholeness. And freedom...when I choose into dependence on God and the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit.

So, in potty training and leadership and marriage and friendships and growth, I choose dependence and the way of Jesus.

Back to potty training. Your stories and encouragement would be ever-so-helpful for me as we approach this daunting task. Make us laugh and give us perspective, but don't scare the $*#@ out of us. That'll happen naturally. Your prayers would be equally appreciated. And if you want to buy me Chipotle, I don't think Baby Diaz #3 would say "no".

Here's to underwear!

How we found out we were having a BOY

2012-01-12T21:03:00.000-08:00

What a week it's been! Tuesday we discovered we were having a SON. Wednesday we remembered how 1 year ago we stood before a U.S. Embassy employee in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia and were granted permission to bring home our first two children.

Who would've thought a year ago that I'd be laying on a table, jelly on my belly, learning the gender of my baby who looks more like an alien than a boy? I didn't guess it. God's like that.

I woke up nervous on Tuesday morning. Your guesses about the gender didn't give me any clarity either. Really, it was a very even competition, though some of you had a VERY strong opinion and some of you were wrong. HA! In our gut, Brian and I thought there was a girl stretching out my flat tummy. Maybe partially because we've had a girl name picked out for ages and the meaning behind that name seemed divine for this pregnancy. Yet, we both also sensed that since nothing has gone according to plan the past 5 years in the baby area the gender of this baby probably would surprise us, too. And surprised we were!

We showed up to our appointment on time and I sat in the waiting room biting my fingernails. I prayed we wouldn't have to wait long into this 45 minutes sonogram to hear, "It's a..." But when we got into the room, our technician said she'd take measurements for 25 minutes, then turn the monitor toward us, and show off our baby to us. I asked if she'd search for gender and she confirmed. So I sat staring at Brian's face, the drop-ceiling, and studying corners of the room for about 15 minutes.

Then, as the technician rolled the wand across my 18 week, 2 day belly she abruptly announced, "it's a boy" rather anticlimactically. WHAT?!?!? She semi-rotated the monitor in our direction to show us the family jewels and it became clear. Atta-boy. Then, Brian and I stared at each other and had a brief non-verbal conversation with each other. WHOA. Not a girl. A boy. Out of nowhere, we were told we were having a boy. Finally, she turned the monitor in our direction and gave us a guided tour to our son's forming body. It was miraculous and alien and mysterious and shocking.

Our son is active. Strong heartbeat. Did I say VERY active? He was gracious enough to show us every part of his growing body - long fingers, itty bitty feet, brain, nose, between the legs. His belly is all swollen, reminding me of Judah's when he first came home. He sucked his thumb. Opened his mouth. Pulled on his ears. Posed for a few great profile pictures. Showed off a few somersaults. Crossed his feet. The whole thing was surreal, but we walked out with about 6 feet of pictures to prove we really are pregnant with a boy.

Surreal! So as we settle into the last half of this pregnancy with the knowledge of our son's place in our family, we need your help.

Names - Where are the best places to search boy names? Naming Judah and Addise was really easy. For this pregnancy, we had "the name" for a baby girl, but have no idea where to start in naming our son. And we have to come up with a middle name, too? Oh man. Seems like an overwhelming - and most important - task. Naming our son is so important to us. It's an identity, a calling, a blessing. We want his name to mean as much to us as our first two kids' names.

Also, at this point, we've decided not to share our son's name before he's born. We want some element of surprise when he arrives. And we don't want anyone's attempts to sway us if they don't like what we've determined. So, you know it's a boy and that's all you'll know until he makes his appearance. :)

Infant Items - What were your non-negotiable items for your newborn and infant? I have no idea what we must register for. Remember, I've only parented an 11 month old and older, so this newborn thing is NEW territory for us! Be simple. Be multi-purposeful. And for heaven's sake, be fashionable!

Thanks for your congrats and joy. Every bit of it I'm savoring in my heart and is growing my excitement. I cannot imagine parenting without a village.

Running for Wholeness

2012-01-09T13:29:00.000-08:00

Early this fall my hubby set out on a personal mission: complete his first half marathon. Instead of running just for a fit body [which he already has] or personal accomplishment, he's running for Team World Vision to raise money for our friends in Nkhoma and Chilenje, Malawi. His goal is to raise $1000 and he's currently raised $738.21.

This Sunday, Brian will be running his first half marathon but not without some drama. This is what Brian posted this morning:

"So, last Thursday I rolled my ankle avoiding a lady walking her dog on the sidewalk. Mind you, that was 10 days before my half marathon that is coming up this Sunday! [The pic was taken this morning after 3 full days of rest.] Thankfully, I'm on the mend, and I'm still as motivated as ever to complete the run! Please consider donating to my World Vision run. The money goes to a great cause - building wells for folks in Africa who do not have access to one of the biggest things we take for granted, clean water. Any amount will help. I hope to have your support. Click on THIS LINK. Thanks!

Oh, by the way, I did run this morning with almost no pain! So I will be running for your $$$!"

Sunday also marks 1 year since we landed at LAX with our little Ethiopians and began life together as a family. I can't think of a better way to celebrate our 1 year together than for Brian to run for other orphans in Malawi.

Proud of my man! Could you support him?

Baby Diaz #3 Update and Poll

2012-01-06T16:00:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm 17.5 weeks pregnant with Baby #3 slash Baby #1 in utero. I keep thinking "I know how to grow a baby in my heart. This whole growing a baby in my belly is entirely different." I have friends who've both adopted and birthed biological children who claim there are remarkable similarities between the 2 processes. I'm failing to see the resemblances. Feel free to enlighten me if you've done both.

Truth be told, I've enjoyed about 4 minutes of this pregnancy [not including the actual conception part which was longer than 3 minutes]. Three of those minutes were on November 18th at 11:39am when we saw our baby doing flip flops and somersaults in my belly. My midwife jokingly scolded our 11 week old baby to calm down so she could get good measurements. I genuinely laughed in delight and awe of this child growing within me.

The fourth minute was last night. I felt our baby move for the first time. I felt something almost painful on the upper left side of my belly and then something push against my belly. I even felt something hard and circular [head?!?] multiple times on the outside of my belly. Brian couldn't feel it but I swear it was the baby. That was my favorite minute of pregnancy, hands down!

Every other minute of this pregnancy has been tolerable at best. I wish I reveled in this process more, but I'd be lying.

I'm hoping for another exciting experience on Tuesday [January 10th] where we have our 45-minute sonogram and HOPE to find out the gender of this little being. Just for fun, I thought we'd start a poll so you can guess the gender, arrival date, weight, and height of this baby. GUESS HERE!

If you are inclined to think my belly's shape is sign of the gender, here's a picture we took today of my exploding belly [and fattening face] at nearly 18 weeks...

Have Fun and Good Luck!

2011 - Our FIRST Year as a Family of 4+1

2011-12-30T08:41:00.000-08:00

This has been the year of firsts more than any other in our life together. It's been a year of hopes fulfilled, stretching, utter joy, wild re-imagining, and expectancy. 2011 was a year to remember and impossible to forget!

Winter [January-March]: Our year began boarding a plane on January 7, Ethiopia's Christmas, to bring home Judah and Addise. Dreams fulfilled. Promises realized. Joy complete. Our first international trip as a family of four. We were finally a family.

I experienced my first [and apparently not last!] maternity leave through the generosity of our church. We were so radically blessed with meals, groceries, errands, and presence in those 10 weeks. Maternity leave was such a gift to begin the attachment process with J&A. Maternity leave also confirmed my divine calling to ministry and deepened my love for our people at Newsong Church.

Only a few weeks into parenthood Brian's birthday all but slipped by as we barely acknowledged his 32nd birthday amidst poopy diapers, hour-long meals, night terrors and exhaustion. Sorry, baby.

We experienced lots of firsts for Addise: her first birthday, tooth which has multiplied into 14 teeth to date, first steps turned into frantic running, one word has since become a non-stop babble, the first tantrum which has shown us her strong personality that she's not afraid to display.

Though the big brother, we also experienced lots and lots of Judah's firsts: his first English words in those early days which began a snowball of learning, his first mouthful of teeth after coming home with only a dozen, his first birthday with us, his first night of sleep without terror, his first spoken prayer, his first chosen kisses and snuggles, his first haircut at home.

In the moment of all those firsts we celebrated our kids' growth and process, and silently grieved the other "firsts" we had missed in their lives. Yet, we are radically grateful that we love J&A because he first loved us.

Our kids' first meeting of our extended family as my mom, dad, brother, and Granny came in those early days to help our desperate little family and meet the newest Diaz's. I could not have been more grateful.

I experienced my first trip away from our kids as I traveled to Dallas for a 30 hour speaking gig. It re-instilled my love for students and the mission God's set me on, yet re-imagined it as mother.

Spring [April-June]: There was our first family photo shoot in April at my sacred Montage Beach. For a while every time we hopped in the car Judah said, "mommy, ocean?"

Our first family vacation at my family's gorgeous condo on Florida's beach.

Spring also marked a role change at Newsong and I wondered why the heck God would increase my responsibility in the midst of my greatest life change. Utter dependence. I'm finding it's the only way to live.

I went momentarily crazy and took both kids back to the Midwest for several days - ALONE!!! - to celebrate my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary and introduce them to the newest grandkids. Whole crying at DFW with 2 toddlers-in-tow and searching for Judah's missing shoe, I wondered if I'd lost my mind only 6 months into parenting.

Summer [July-August]: Brian got his first trip away from the madness. He got to experience ComiCon with friends as I experienced shock-and-awe of 3 days alone with our kids.

August 5th Brian and I celebrated our 10th anniversary with a 24-hour getaway, courtesy of my mom. We had 4 meals in exclusive adult conversation and were allowed to simply reconnect as friends, partners, and lovers, not just as co-parents. And I celebrated my 32nd birthday.

Summer and Fall I've found myself in quite challenging leadership circumstances, navigating change and transition at a pace only the Spirit can keep up with. There are many firsts for me in these deep waters, including a leadership loneliness that demands intimacy with Jesus and my husband above all else.

Fall [September-November]: In spite of the attachment issues, hundreds of dollars on diapers, and sleep deprived months, this month held our most surprising first this year: a positive pregnancy test. Having never seen a positive home pregnancy test, this news sent us into speechless terror and the beginnings of celebration at another new life.

Our first Thanksgiving as a family, including our kids' first taste of turkey. They were not impressed. I also purchased my first pair of maternity pants.

Advent and Beyond: Now, this is our first Christmas together a family of 4+1. Advent looks a bit different as we expectantly await "God with us". Presents and decorations carried a different tenor as we anticipated chubby black hands tearing wrapping paper. Traveling back to see our families have been especially more meaningful, especially as Brian's side of the family met J&A. Introducing Judah to the wonder of Santa Claus ["ho ho ho!"] and telling him the real Christmas story beckons for my childlike wonder. Putting on snowsuits so little Ethiopians can play in a few inches of snow was a Christmas highlight. Holding my belly and imagining what next Christmas will look like. Celebrating 11 years ago when the man of my dreams proposed to me this month. Expectant of God how will meet all our felt and unspoken needs in our growing family. These are the ways we are holding the Christ-child this year. We are grateful for the God who knows, has come close, and is with us in the midst of everything.

Merriest of Christmases and Happiest of New Year from our Family of 4+1.

Blessing Baby

2011-12-15T19:23:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago, shortly after announcing Baby #3's life within me, I walked into a group of about 20 high school students praying passionately. They were declaring their identity in Christ, praying for courage, praying for blessing, praying for more of God. It was every youth pastor's dream.

They stopped praying for a moment, saw me sitting in the back, cheered congratulations for our baby, and asked me to pray. In the moment, all I wanted is for them to pray for me, our family, this baby.

For the next 10-15 minutes these students, whom I've known, loved, and poured into for years, prayed over this baby, our family, and my pregnancy. To say it was moving would be an understatement. Many of these students laid hands on me and passionately prayed all kinds of blessing and prophetic prayers into our family. As one of the students was praying, he announced that this was a Blessing Baby, our baby is a blessing and is to be a blessing. Speechless. I was and am so deeply grateful for every heartfelt prayer submitted before God on our behalf.

At the end of their prayers, their leader spoke this pasage over our family. I couldn't help but think this was exactly what we needed to hear about this unexpected pregnancy...

Isaiah 55:8-13 [The Message]

"I don't think the way you think.
   The way you work isn't the way I work."
"For as the sky soars high above earth,
   so the way I work surpasses the way you work,
   and the way I think is beyond the way you think.
Just as rain and snow descend from the skies
   and don't go back until they've watered the earth,
Doing their work of making things grow and blossom,
   producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,
So will the words that come out of my mouth
   not come back empty-handed.
They'll do the work I sent them to do,
   they'll complete the assignment I gave them.
"So you'll go out in joy,
   you'll be led into a whole and complete life.
The mountains and hills will lead the parade,
   bursting with song.
All the trees of the forest will join the procession,
   exuberant with applause.
No more thistles, but giant sequoias,
   no more thornbushes, but stately pines—
Monuments to me, to God,
   living and lasting evidence of God."

Out of the mouths of babes, WISDOM speaks.

Colorful Family

2011-12-08T10:31:00.001-08:00

Several weeks ago we were talking with some close friends about our yet-public pregnancy, and all of a sudden our friend a shocked look came across his face. He looked at us and announced, "Oh my gosh! I just realized this baby isn't going to be black. WEIRD!" Brian and I looked at each other and had the same shocked reaction. What?!? But our children our black!?!

Literally, multiple times over the past several weeks I've caught myself in the reality check that, indeed, this baby will not be Ethiopian. This will be a Caucasian-Puerto Rican baby.

We've chuckled that our biological child will be the minority of our family. Typically, the concern in multi-racial adoptive families is that that adoptive child will feel like the minority, but in our colorful family [white momma, Hispanic daddy, 2 Ethiopian babies, and 1 multi-racial baby] we're all mixed up.

I think God must be happily chuckling, too. Seriously, I must keep reminding myself that Baby #3 won't be black. Add that to the "crazy things" about being pregnant list.

"How Long?" for Women in Ministry

2011-12-07T22:33:00.001-08:00

Last year I was asked to write a piece for my dear friend who's helping to publish a rather large project. Today I got word that my piece must be dropped because of some behind-the-scenes politics. "How Long?" seems a more fitting cry than ever from the psalmist and my fellow women. My friend asked me to write a piece, based off Psalm 40, regarding women in ministry.

Though this is a wildly different post than my norm, I thought it would be appropriate to share on my blog. Please read Psalm 40 first and then my piece...

Psalm 40

Waiting. No one likes waiting. Maybe least of all me. I’vewaited for my entire life to see your Church reflect your heart to see men andwomen lead your people. Equally. With skillful hands and integrity of heart [Psalm 78:72]. I’ve waited for your Church to wake up andget it that we have as much to contribute to the Kingdom as men do! I wish yourWord was painfully clear about our contribution equality!

Too many times I’ve seen women in the pit of despair becausethey have not been allowed to use their voice, their gifts, their experiences,their very calling to build the Kingdom. You have not stopped them from leadingand teaching, Lord; your people have.

My sisters and I have cried when we’ve been told “no”, “bequiet”, “this is not your place”. We need your rescue, God. We desperately needyou to bring good news in places where we are pushed down, snuffed out, andnegotiated around. Your Kingdom suffers when we are relegated to roles andministries and places where we are not gifted or passionate. How long?

Our circumstances may not change, our culture may neverfully reflect your heart for your Church, but you never change. You are solidand steady and trustworthy. When your Church may fail me, I can still be amazedby who you are. I will find my hope in who you are, not in an outcome – apromotion or a platform or power. I will receive a new song that you give meand sing to the rooftops of who you are and what you’ve done. I will serve you fully and contribute my bestto your Kingdom, even in the midst of broken systems and unjust theology. Giveme the courage I need to be faithful today.

How long will we sing this song? When I grieve for what yourChurch is not yet, I must remember that you are a God of justice and havecalled ordinary people like me to bring justice on earth as it is in heaven [Matthew 5:10]. Help me not be afraid tospeak out and speak for those who do not have a voice.

You have written your calling upon my heart and I will notforsake you. I will take joy in following you no matter what anyone elsesays. Help me listen to you more andmore and follow you obediently. Thank you for my calling, even if it’s nothonored among others.

copywright 2010 April L. Diaz

Pregnancy: Messy and Unfiltered

2011-12-04T18:48:00.001-08:00

First of all, a heartfelt THANK YOU to the hundreds of you who've read our blog, texted me, called me, posted on Facebook, emailed/messaged me, and hugged me over the past week. It has been quite humbling and overwhelming to receive your joy and congratulations. It has literally enCOURAGEd me and boltered my capacity to celebrate this pregnancy more freely. Thank you.

Also, thank you for carefully guarding your tongue as you've jubilantly celebrated this pregnancy. While we have been recipients of "stupid comments", it pales in comparison to the sensitive, thoughtful, and loving words we've received. For that I am most profoundly grateful.

So, on to some of your questions - stated and sensed - as to "how are you feeling?" in this pregnancy.

PHYSICALLY :: Not bad considering I'm growing a human inside of me [so weird, right?!?]. My first trimester wasn't wonderful but it was so much better than many of my friends' pregnancies. I never puked and only felt nauseous for about a month off and on. My biggest nemesis was exhaustion. Pure, utter, uncontrollable exhaustion. For a while I couldn't decipher whether it was because I was pregnant or just tired from working full time and being a mom to two toddlers. Eventually, I gave in to the reality that it was all of it combined. Brian said I've been at 60-70% of my normal capacity, but since my coworkers couldn't tell most of the time I consider that pretty darn good.

I've felt pregnant since before we officially found out in mid-October because of the wacky symptoms I was experiencing. But since we aren't conversing over a cup of decaf coffee, I'll spare you the unappetizing specifics. Suffice it to say that what makes you impregnate-able beforehand makes you not-so-attractive after getting knocked up. Follow me?

EMOTIONALLY :: This is a loaded one question. Like I alluded in my previous post, I will unpack this further in the days to come. Yet I will elaborate a bit more here. We wanted to adopt again. I didn't want to get pregnant after experiencing the miracle of adoption. I had FULLY died to the dream of carrying a child and was totally accepting of that. The thought of having 3 kids under the age of 4 join our family in the span of 18 months is quite intimidating. The fact that we drive 2 Honda Civics and live in a cozy 2 bedroom, 1100 square foot condo without a washer/dryer cramps my style. The shocking reality that our baby will not be black like his/her sibling still confounds me. The fears of others' comments about Judah and Addise and Baby #3 could be paralyzing if I thought about it too long. Accepting that my body is hosting then sustaining another's life for nearly 18 months doesn't fit my ideal. It's also been a bit guilt inducing that I'm not altogether joyful about this miracle. After all we've been through, why wouldn't my wholehearted, exclusive response be worship to Creator God?

These are not insurmountable feelings, but they are requiring me to name them all and take them to the Cross where Jesus can deal with them and me together. My feelings are nothing God is surprised by nor overwhelmed with. He's been patient with me as I've taken them to him one by one and let him transform them.

Emotionally, it's also a HUGE relief that people now know. I felt like a fraud and liar for 6+ weeks walking around. When people asked, "how are you?" I wanted to blurt out, "PREGNANT! What the $&@%?!?" But instead I eeked out some lame response. I also feel more authentic in my clothes, not trying so desperately to hide a belly demanding attention. Daily I felt betrayed by my tightening jeans and unforgiving shirts. Finally, I can say, "I'm pregnant. I'm not just getting fat." What a load off.

RELATIONALLY :: Brian and I are doing really well. Honestly, he's been way more excited [albeit still very overwhelmed] than I have since day one. But he's been careful and sensitive to allowing me to journey through my emotions. He's really the most amazing, wise man. He has said that I've been more irritable and grumpy with him, but he gets that I've been growing body parts inside of my body. As a sci-fi guy, he gets this and sympathizes. Our time together seems to be more defined by exhaustion these days [me growing a baby; him pulling extra weight in our family], but after 10+ years of marriage there's a deep connection and "I got your back" determination.

Our kiddos are also doing great with this news they don't fully understand. When I ask Addise where mommy's baby is, she gets a very puzzled and determined look over her face, then repeats "baby" on turbo speed until she finds one of her baby dolls and brings it to me. Pure simplicity! When I ask Judah where the baby is, he replies verbatim every time, "there's a baby in mommy's belly." The other morning I asked him while he was playing and he said the above statement, then ran over to me, pointed to my bulging belly and cleverly exclaimed, "I found it!" Pure joy!

SPIRITUALLY :: This is the most wonderfully messy and complex part. Again, I promise to unpack my soul over the coming posts, but I will say I'm in a familiar a place of surrender and dependency like I was throughout our adoption journey. As a friend told me today, "God reminded me for you that he's way more interested in the journey than the outcome. God said 'Journey'." Very little of this pregnancy makes sense to me other than God proving that he's a God of miracles and humor. In fact, laughter is my favorite response from people when they find out we are pregnant. It shows they've entered into the craziness with us. Wonder and awe are my next favorite responses because those seem to make sense with who God is to us, too. [Although a shock-filled response is most like our response.]

Prayers are greatly appreciated. Any words from the Lord? We'll take them. Just be sure he wants us to hear "that" word now. :) There's a lot to figure out in the next 27 weeks. Ai ai ai. And because I'm feeling bold this evening, my first pregnancy picture...

12 weeks pregnant...cannot believe the size of this baby bump!

Expecting the Unexpected

2011-11-29T15:15:00.000-08:00

There were a lot of things that we expected when we brought home Judah and Addise 11 months ago. Getting pregnant was not one of those things. SURPRISE - WE ARE PREGNANT! We are expecting a baby and it's completely unexpected! We are currently at 12 weeks.

Ok. Pick your jaw up off the floor. Grab a Kleenex box. Catch your breath. And shout out a couple desperate prayers for us. Then, read on [if you dare] for the saga that has been our Fall.

If you've been reading our story for long, you know that adopting Judah and Addise was our family's PLAN A. God planted that dream in our hearts long ago. However, we expected to have biological children before adopting. Making a deeply long and painful story short, after three years of trying to get pregnant - including over a year of extensive and intensive infertility treatment - we decided to start the adoption process. You can read much of our story on our blog [TIP: search "pain" for many of those posts].

Since becoming Judah and Addise's parents, we have been BLISSFULLY HAPPY. Complete. Whole. The old dream of having biological children had all but disappeared. Most days it feels like I birthed J & A because I so fully know I'm their momma. And then I remember they're black and I'm not. :)

Then, in mid-September I had a DREAM. I don't often dream and remember. But this felt like a dream from God. It was simple: I dreamed I was pregnant and it culminated in a baby. I woke up terrified. I didn't tell Brian because it freaked me out. A couple weeks later we were out on a date and I casually said, "Hey, just so ya know, I had a dream that we were pregnant. And it felt like a God-dream. It's probably nothing, but just in case something happens, I want you to know." What followed was a very brief and freaked out conversation.

As it turned out, I was barely pregnant when I had that dream.

A couple weeks later, I started wondering if something was going on with my body. Too many ODD THINGS HAPPENING IN MY BODY. So, I took a home pregnancy test and it turned positive right away [October 13th]. I immediately called Brian to the bathroom. We stared at the test together and had no words. I had never received a positive pregnancy test before. Scores of negative tests, but never a positive. We freaked out. Brian laughed nervously. Shortly after we took another test. It was like that second line couldn't appear fast enough. I felt light-headed. There are not appropriate words in the English language to describe my emotions that night or in the days that followed.

Needless to say, it's been an EMOTIONAL 6 WEEKS since we first took that pregnancy test and first heard our baby's heartbeat [October 17]. Honestly, I've been grieving and surrendering and embracing our new reality WAY MORE than simply celebrating. It's been messy. I will blog more about this soon, so please hold your judgment until I can explain this unlikely reaction. I will say that after seeing our baby at our most recent appointment, there was much delight and joy from Brian and me. I'm starting to get excited about Judah and Addise's baby brother/sister. And I'm starting to embrace my bulging body. :)

One of the reasons I've been wrestling is because of the "PREGNANCY-AFTER-ADOPTION MYTH". We've expected to hear "we knew you'd get pregnant after you brought those babies home". The truth is that less than 10% of couples who struggle with infertility then adopt EVER get pregnant [many stats place odds around 3-8% and the stats don't budge based on adoption or not]. Ultimately, I feel very sensitive for couples currently experiencing infertility AND protective over J & A never feeling 2nd choice. I will say this until I die: I'm profoundly grateful God chose this path for us because of the immeasurable blessings of Judah and Addise in our lives.

God-willing, Baby Diaz #3 will enter the world around June 10. What happens when you receive unexpected news? Chances are, it reveals something much deeper in your soul. I look forward to sharing honestly and vulnerably what's emerged from my soul as a result of this pregnancy.

Until then, thanks for joining us in celebrating our new life!

PS. In my next couple posts, I'll do my best to respond to whatever questions you post here. :)

Dedicating Judah and Addise

2011-11-11T20:35:00.001-08:00

It happened on Orphan Sunday, November 6th.

I didn't imagine it would take us 11 months to dedicate Judah and Addise back to God at our church. But God knew. Sunday marked 1 year to the day when we met Judah and Addise in Ethiopia. One year prior on Orphan Sunday we were headed to Ethiopia and shared THIS VIDEO with our unsuspecting church family. One year later, it was overwhelming to see all God has done in our family.

As we celebrated Orphan Sunday at Newsong, we weren't celebrating the 140+ million orphans in the world, but were celebrating how God is awakening the hearts of our community to care for orphans and vulnerable children, locally and globally. One of the ways our church celebrated this was dedicating 6 children who've been adopted this year by 4 Newsong families.

Our church practices baby/child dedications for a couple main reasons:

Our Children are God's and Have Always Been. Hannah in the Old Testament models dedicating her son back to God in 1 Samuel 1:9-18. I resonate so much with Hannah because of her infertility and struggle to become a mom, but also for her unwavering faith in her God. For years, Hannah's been a biblical companion to me. Dedicating our children is a statement of faith, hope, and commitment for parents.
We Need the Village. The Shema in Deuteronomy 6:1-9 is often inadvertently misquoted as a command for parents to raise up their children to know and whole-heartedly love God. But the "you's" of this passage are actually more like "all y'all's" calling the faith community to raise a child in the ways of Jesus. As we dedicate our kids, we remind the church community of their responsibility and privilege to partner with us.

It was beyond meaningful to dedicate Judah and Addise with the 4 families we stood with on Sunday. All of our families are interconnected. The Kim's are some of our dearest friends and our adoption journeys [though VERY different] happened simultaneously with ours. The mom in the second family was our social worker for our home study AND the social worker for the last family, the Rhee's. We are connected to the Rhee's because God also surprised them in adopting 2 boys - not just 1! And we have served together throughout Newsong for years.

When we thought about dedicating our kids at Newsong, it meant the world because this faith community literally prayed and sacrificially gave so Judah and Addise could come home. They walked us through the lows of infertility and the roller coaster of our 22 month adoption. For them to witness and support us on this day, was supernatural.

We chose a couple very specific and important things for our kids on this epic day. First, Judah and Addise both wore traditional outfits that we bought for them 1 year ago in Ethiopia. Amazingly enough, they fit and they were beautiful on our kids!

Second, we asked Julie [our children's pastor and my co-worker] and Ed [a co-worker and close friend over the past 6 years] to dedicate our kids. The weight of their words sits deep in our spirit.

Third, we also chose Biblical life verses for our kids. Judah's name means "praise", so we felt it was very meaningful to choose Psalm 117 which also affirms his heritage, blesses his story, and calls out the man we want him to be...

"Praise the Lord, all you nations. Praise him, all you people of the earth. For he loves us with unfailing love; the Lord’s faithfulness endures forever. Praise the Lord!"

Addise's name means "new life" so we chose Jeremiah 31:17 which is Brian's favorite biblical book and also affirms her history and story. This entire chapter is also ALL about hope for the restoration of God's people. It's perfect for her...

"They will come home and sing songs of joy on the heights of Jerusalem.
      They will be radiant because of the Lord’s good gifts—
   the abundant crops of grain, new wine, and olive oil,
      and the healthy flocks and herds.
   Their life will be like a watered garden,
      and all their sorrows will be gone."

Grab a Kleenex and enjoy this 9 minute video of our kids' dedication...

Court Anniversary

2011-11-10T16:31:00.001-08:00

This week is so ridiculously full of meaning, I fear I'm not capable of capturing all it means to us and all it means in the heavens. So, I bought a $3.99 bouquet of fall flowers .

This past Sunday was November 6th, one year since we first held and kissed Judah and Addise on our first trip to Ethiopia. [Read about that day HERE] This past Sunday we also dedicated J&A to God at our church...on Orphan Sunday. A separate blog post is coming on this momentous, epic day.

Here's a sneak peak of Judah's dedication...

If you wanna take a walk down memory lane with me, check out our Meetchya Day video...

This whole week I've found myself drifting back to those days in Ethiopia: The rich, historic Ethiopian culture. The sounds of Amharic rolling off tongues, animals passing on the street, and cars honking at everything. Our guest house. The American friends we met who were also adopting and our new Ethiopians friends, whom we fell in love with.

Of course, my heart mostly remembers those precious hours at Tikuret Orphanage where we began bonding with 9 month old Tarike and 28 month old Abebayehu. I remember how stoic and somber Addise Aster Tarike was, and how she was totally unsure of Brian. However, she always fell asleep in his arms. I remember that sweet pink polka-dot sweatsuit she wore and how she loved kissing my lips [that 30 second video is HERE]. I remember being amazed with how chunky and strong this "little orphan" was.

And I remember how shut down Judah Abebayehu was. Brian and I commented and cried over what a locked up little guy he was. His big eyes searching for understanding and meaning. His body small and recovering from malnutrition. I remember a few times when his eyes lit up and he bravely showed us his bright white Chiclets teeth [here is proof in a quick 40 second video]. I remember how our 2 year old calmly sat on our laps, barely moving. We both remember praying so much for his healing and health. Even writing these words on my couch with my ever-so-talkative son sitting next to me, giggling while watching Dumbo, I'm tearfully in awe at the healing God's done in his little soul these past 12 months. Judah is a different little boy. Praise God!

Today, November 10th was the best and worst day of my life [Read about that day HERE]. Today is the day we went to court to testify before an Ethiopian judge our promise to love Tarike and Abebayehu forever. After our court appearance, Brian and I were gifted with some unexpected time with their birth mothers. Still, one year later, words barely form as I reflect upon these women, our mutual love for the same little boy and girl, and the impossible choice they made to give up their children because they could not care them. It is a mother's love beyond human capacity. Today, I think about their birth mothers and wonder if they are still alive and healthy. I'm aware that as I've held and loved and raised J&A, they've probably thought about them millions of times. And wondered if their offspring are well loved and care for. I pray God would speak to them and assure them.

Only hours after our court date, we kissed them goodbye as we left for the Addis Ababa airport without confirmation that we passed court. I sobbed leaving the orphanage. I got physically sick as our plane took-off out of Ethiopia. It was an entirely good, yet completely unnatural day.

Tomorrow, November 11th Brian and I were spending a few reflective and carefree days in Frankfurt, Germany. We received an email that we were dying to read: "THEY ARE YOURS." In the eyes of Ethiopia, we were Judah and Addise's legal parents.

A year later, we cannot believe all God has done and is doing in our family. It's beyond our expectations and imagination. I never imagined how many poopy diapers I'd changed (including one that's smelling out to me at this moment]. I never imagine how much they'd make me laugh and show me a mirror into my own character and soul. I never imagined how many kisses I'd give, or hair product I'd use, or cheese sticks they'd eat. I never imagined how angry they'd make me.

Yet, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'd love them as my own, that they'd forever change me, that I'd be grateful for our devastating infertility that lead us directly to these specific children. Forever we are grateful. Tonight, I'll tuck them in a little tighter, kiss them a few more times, and whisper a few more prayers to God for them. Thank you, Jesus, for the miracle of adoption.

Today. Home. Forever.

Halloween - a little monkey and a lion

2011-11-05T11:10:00.000-07:00

Our kids celebrated their first American Halloween in-style this year. We joined some friends and their 3 kids so they could show our Ethiopians the trick-or-treating ropes. The entire extravaganza only lasted about 1 hour, and it was mostly successful [minus the creepy 8-year-old boy slinking around in a skeleton costume who scared the living daylights out of Judah...enter momma bear. I almost beat the crap out of that kid...and his parents]. Enjoy some pictures of our cutest little monkey and lion...

This little monkey was equally stoked about her costume
and confused about why we kept insisting she make monkey noises.

Judah the Lion [cliche but it really had to happen] and his buddy "Greg" from In 'n Out. Hehe.

A little pre-game warm-up.

Halloween in SoCal = Sandled feet.

Can we all say together, "DADDY'S GIRL!"

He made a mean "ROAR!" all night.
Judah the Lion also insisted in walking inside every stranger's house when they gave him candy. No bueno. He did a great job saying, "Trick or treat" and "Thank you" to every good neighbor.

She's one happy monkey with a blue headband.

Being pushed around the neighborhood in her own car. She was committed to driving.
This was also the point in the trick-or-treating where she just got real tired and must've wondered, "What are these crazy Americans doing?!"

First family Halloween photo.

Since we don't give our kiddos candy, Brian and I immediately divided the spoils between the two of us. Hehe. We saved back a few items as potty rewards for our yet-to-be-potty-train son.

All in all, a very fun first Halloween as a family.

Little Moments in October

2011-10-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

This month has been filled with little moments with our kiddos. Moments I'll likely forget by winter but want to remember long after they go to school. Here are a few snapshots that capture the essence of our two Ethiopian beauties...

Football Saturdays: our kids are dressed in their Illini gear and enjoying a little Disney movie time while the grown-ups watch football!

Judah loves playing with bubbles. Not so much blowing them but spilling them everywhere. Focused. Detail-oriented. Specific. This is Judah. Those shoes he calls "foofa shoes" because they remind him of "Yo Gabba Gabba".

Typical Addise: silly, overly expressive, sticking her booty out, open-mouth smile.

She's started folding her hands. I don't understand why but she makes me laugh!

After his nap, Judah likes to tuck in Big Toe for his nap. Judah is the sweetest boy!

Bath bubbles are a daily favorite. "Judah help you" is one of his most used new phrases!

Her curls are multiplying as does her bath time exuberance.

This little guy begins and ends his day reading. This is a fairy tale book "gamm-ma" bought for him.

This lasts about 14 seconds. Here she's learning Spanish and English. She's been laying on her belly a lot these days and it makes me chuckle.


20 months old at her 18 month doctor appointment. She's 31 lbs [95%] and 34" [92%]. She's our giant beast.

Mommy-Daughter grocery run. Yes, I'm feeding her lunch at the store. Totally ghetto but she loved the string cheese we eventually purchased and the deli meat. Those stickers on her dress are from braving her 2 immunizations that day.

Wide-eyed wonder at a birthday party with balloons. It was Judah's first time at a bounce house and he happily played forever.

Even in the hard days, these are the days I want to remember.

Good Night Sweetheart

2011-09-25T19:31:00.000-07:00

My kids are creative sleepers. We quietly tiptoe into their room every night before we go to sleep to check on them and cover them one more time before Brian and I go to sleep. Most nights we choke back chuckles at the positions we find them in.

Here's some pictures we've been accumulating...ENJOY!

That chubby hand...those lips!

She's oh-so flexible

Stuffed animals everywhere!

When Judah was sleeping in our room in the pack-n-play.
That's gonna hurt in the morning!

Free as a bird

My bald boy testing the sturdiness of his toddler rail.
Stuffed animals strewn everywhere!

How he got his lion on his back I'll never understand.

Huggin' the leopard and hurtin' the breathing!

Wide open!
Sleeping in the exact opposite end of the crib she started in.

Going for a run with daddy is very boring

Little Things I Want to Remember: Addise.

2011-09-23T19:08:00.000-07:00

The days pass too slowly sometime and turbo speed others. I fear forgetting all the things that makes Addise who she is today at 19 months. Here are some of my most favorite things these days about my mini-me...

ADDISE ASTER TARIKE.

She really does loves her peas,
but she's drama for this mama!

In the past week she has started exclaiming"MINE!" and a sweet"thank you" in the right contexts [she exclaims everything, really]. A blessing and a curse, not in that order.
She has a temper in the making [read: character development needed!]. When Addise gets mad, she turns into the Hulk. Her rage starts deep within, building until she screams/growls, shakes all spare appendages, and may even throw whatever object is in her hand or within her grasp. The rest of us run for cover and pray for God to intervene.
She runs like Frankenstein with locked knees, swinging her legs back and forth at a mach speed that'll get her in trouble if she trips.
At 19 months Addise still only has 6 teeth - her front 4 and 2 top molars. I often ask her where her teeth are, and she proudly points to the half dozen she's cut.
She's an Illini fan. Just like a Getz!
Addise can regularly be found running through our house giggling hysterically...with her eyes closed! She finds it quite exhilarating to see how far she can get running blindly. As you can imagine, these adventures can end in tears.
Addise would rather kiss her daddy any day over me. She's in love with him. I understand why.
She's recently discovered that her eyes and eyebrows together make a 100 more expressions than she previously realized. She uses this charm to her advantage by making us laugh all the more.
Testing her boundaries is what she does best. She looks over her shoulder countless times a day to see if we'll notice her getting shoes out of the shoe basket or stealing Judah's water for a drink. Madness.
Every day when I get home from work, Addise runs toward the door - Frankenstein style - squealing with delight. She nearly shimmies up my leg to get a few cuddles in.

There are too many reasons I love this picture. Time for bigger PJs?!?

I never want to forget those thighs!!!

It's not all fun and games at the Diaz Casa [did you read my recent post?!]. This was after a L.O.N.G afternoon of errands. I think they communicated their emotions efficiently.

Little Things I Want to Remember: Judah.

2011-09-23T19:03:00.000-07:00

We've been a forever family for over 9 months and our kids are cuter than ever. Since I don't keep a baby book for either kid, this is my version of capturing the moments and milestones of our Judah Abebayehu.

Here are some of my most favorite things about Judah's exploding personhood...

JUDAH ABEBAYEHU.

He's recently learned the difference between a boy and a girl [though not anatomically], and he correctly assigns the gender to each member of our family. However, when I told Judah that daddy is actually a "man", he immediately pointed to himself and said "Judah, man!" He's convinced of it!
As the story above proves, he speaks of himself in the third person quite often.
Judah and I have a special connection. It's unexplainable but this photo booth picture provides a snapshot into our daily life.
He's my little bookworm. The first thing he does every morning is pull several books off the bookshelf to read. He studies those books with a passion.
When he's trying to get my attention and I don't answer the first couple times, he'll follow with "Mommy! Oooohhhh, mom-my!!" Where did he learn that!?!
Judah is my snuggler. He burrows into to my shoulder anytime of day and loves to give me kisses upon request.
Judah would be a couch potato if we let him. His current favorite show is Yo Gabba Gabba, and his favorite movie is "The Lion King". That's my Ethiopian son!
Winking is one of his prized tricks. He can only contort his right eye which requires his mouth to move toward the wink, as well. His entire face works overtime to wink that big eye. But he's oh-so good at it and it's always followed by a laugh.
One of Judah's first phrases was "I'm sorry", primarily because of offenses to his sister. Since then, he says "sorry sissy" almost every time Addise cries even if it's not his fault. Pavlov response.
We've been teaching our kids about their emotions. Judah is quick to let us know if he or someone else is happy, sad, mad, or tired. I'm determined to raise emotionally aware and healthy kids!

My bucket is actually a hat!

Judah's molluscum got infected, thus the Cookie Monster bandaid. While he was being treated for the infection he was a broken record, "Mommy. My Owie. Doctor. Medicine."

I'm crazy about this kid. He's growing leaps and bounds and after 9 months together, he is solidly a Diaz.

Mommy Needs...

2011-09-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

The scene was my kitchen table and living room. The date was a random Friday a couple weeks ago. Brian went for a long run then a Costco run. I was home with my kids on my Sabbath...working.

My days are out of control recently. I'm working way too much. Way. It's a unique season of ministry where I've finished most days with a list of "to dos" longer than when I've started the day. Every single day has dealt with painful emails, difficult conversations, disappointed followers, misunderstood decisions, and awkward transitions. Literally, every single day. It's a season I hope to leave sooner than later. Tears have defiantly fallen more often than I'd like. I've been hanging on by a thread while passionately casting a vision of a new thing I believe God's calling our community toward [Isaiah 43:18-19]. Most days I feel a complicated tension of intense conviction and a weary beat down.

My prayer life has taken on a life of its own! My prayers have been desperate. Wholly hopeful. Deeply convicted. Sometimes demanding. Always honest. Never defeated.

Back to the scene in my kitchen/living room. I was desperately trying to catch up on a litany of emails and ever-urgent "to dos", instead of playing with my kids on the floor. Ugh. As I'm sitting at my computer doing all kinds of pastoral and "spiritual" things I found myself turning my head over my shoulder every 5-7 minutes yelling at my toddlers. Addise, don't hit Judah! Judah, stop jumping on the couch!! Addise, you know you're not supposed to drink Judah's water!!! Judah, if you do that one more time you get a hand-slap!!!! At one moment I'm spiritually leading people virtually and the next minute I'm about to go postal on my kids. All the while, I'm having a very "Paul" moment:

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. [Romans 7]

Brian got home before I did something really bad and asked how I was. I erupted, "I'm about to have a serious meltdown in every way." True to form, Brian calmly responded a few minutes later. "I'm going to tell you what you're going to do and you're not going to argue. You're going to take a shower [NOTE: this was because it'd probably been 2.5 days] and then you're going to leave and not come back until later tonight. You can go to the mall. You can do whatever you want, but you need to go." I choked back tears and ran off to the shower. During my shower my mind raced with how I was going to make the best use of my 5 hours alone. Errands needed to be run. Returns made. Groceries picked up. Gift cards used. Personal tasks completed. But I kept coming back to REST. I needed rest.

After my shower, Brian came back to our room and said, "I have another idea. You know that place we got massages [$20 for an hour!!!]? Go there." I started crying again and said I also thought of going to see a movie alone. His Puerto Rican eyes got really big. I've never done that. Ever. I always thought that excursion was for weirdos [though Brian adores movies alone]. But I was craving sitting in an air conditioned theater with no one asking me for anything, touching me, expressing their disappointment in my actions. My heart needed to be massaged by God, as much as my aching muscles.

That afternoon was hard for me just to receive the grace of time and let go. But my soul demanded it. I've been meditating on the passage where Jesus beckons his disciples to answer this question: "what's the benefit if you gain the whole world and lose your souls?" I will not lose my soul.

Though I'm a hot mess these days, I know I'm loved. I'm loved by my God though I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do. I'm loved by my husband who's the best friend, co-parent, and love of my life. And I know I'm loved by others who care about who I am more than what I do. So, I'm a mess yet I'm grateful. And I'm learning some along the way, too.

Discipline Practices :: your first days home

2011-09-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

Several friends have brought home their desperately prayed for children in the past couple months, and I've received a slew of emails about how to respond to the clash of cultures, communication chasms, grieving issues, and discipline needs ~ especially for toddlers. Here are some thoughts about how we handled - and wished we handled - discipline and attachment issues in those first days home...

PHILOSOPHY. We seek to discipline our kids in the same ways God disciplines those he loves...US! We see discipline as both proactive and responsive. Proactively, we want to guide them toward good things that will strengthen their souls and encourage them to become all God's created them to be. Responsively, it's correcting them when they get it wrong and showing them another way. Discipline is NEVER about shame, punishment, power, or control because that's NOT how God disciplines us. Discipline is a practice that allows us to get in sync with what God most wants for us - to walk with him. We also pray that our discipline is never exclusively about the behavior but always about what's behind the behavior - the heart. We're not into a gospel of sin management but a fuller gospel of grace.

ATTACHMENT. We chose to err on the side of attachment over discipline. Those first several weeks [months?] we didn't do any physical discipline. It was exhausting but I'm glad we didn't. We heard from experts and believed that our kids' acting out was about fear, grief, and seeking boundaries than it was about them being "bad". We chose not to physically discipline because their behavior was not rebellious. Also, your kids have never experienced YOUR parenting, so they are learning very fast...on so many levels. In the same breath, we read that kids learn parenting philosophy within 3 months. So while we wanted them to know what was appropriate, we wanted them to know they were safe and loved by us more than anything.

BOUNDARIES. Instead of physical discipline, we chose to redirect their actions and words...constantly. We removed as many temptations as possible. When they acted out we disciplined ourselves to respond with hugs, snuggles, and kisses. Mentally, every time they behaved inappropriately [mainly Judah] I just imagined his grief and nightmares causing it, like he was reliving some of his most painful memories. That reflection gave me strength, compassion, and perspective not to spank him when that's what I'd naturally want to do. Of course we didn't do this perfectly, but that was our posture and daily commitment for a LONG time. Really, only recently have we started hand slaps or bottom spankings. Eight-plus months into that discipline philosophy, our kids are doing great in every way and listening better than I'd expect for a 3 year old and 18 month old.

HEALING. We have also found that our kids' [again, mainly Judah] acting out was related to grief, trust, safety, or language barriers. It's NOT because they are bad or want to ruin your life! I also affirm the "time-in" method [vs. the "time out"]. One principle I've really grown to appreciate is that we need to actually bring our kids closer when they disobey/act out instead of pushing them away. By pulling them closer, we teach about grace and mercy, not that we don't want them near us unless they are good. After all, this is what God does to us, he brings us closer when we sin. He goes after us when we run away from him. The practice of "time-in" is a reminder of God's discipline of those he lives and is pretty darn transformational for parents, too!

NO "NO'S". We are way more liberal in our use of this word 8+ months into parenting, but we were VERY cautious not to use it in those first months. We wanted our kids to feel like our home was their home so they could have free reign. This is why we simply removed temptations from them. We wanted their bodies, minds, and souls to find REST and YES-es in our home, not to be restricted and confined in their own space. So, instead of saying "no", we did a lot of redirecting or trading one thing for another. Again, it's a LOT of work but ESPECIALLY with a language barrier, this was a great choice in those first few months. Again with the language barrier, our social worker told us to expect 2-3 months for every year until Judah was totally current with normal language development for his age [he was 2.5 years old when we adopted him which meant 4-6 months until he was caught up]. She was right! We saw big communication improvement after 4 months, but at 6 months his little vocab and comprehension took on a new level.

LOVED ALL OVER. I've heard the poetry of multiple parents speaking their undying love for their "chosen child". These words are powerful to their core for any human being, but especially a child who's lost everything and is finding love in your family. These couple statements are my favorites that my friends say to their kids when they discipline their child...

"Mommy loves you. Daddy loves you. And we're not going anywhere. We love you when you obey and when you don't. "
"I love you no matter what you do. There's nothing you can do that will make me love you less. And there's nothing you can do that will make me love you more. You're stuck with me and I'm not leaving you."
"I forgive you. Thank you for saying sorry. I love you buddy."

These practices are easier said than done, but it is possible! We chose the hard way of connecting, bonding, and affection in those first months when the easier way would've been spanking, yelling, and force. But today we are seeing some fruit of our labor as our kids understand their boundaries, lavish us with unsolicited affection, and listen when we call. None of us our perfect, but we are perfectly working it out as a family centered on Love.

Locusts, Omni Hotel, and Redemption

2011-09-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

I want to remember everything God says to me. Every date. Every detail. Every lesson. Everything. This past week, God graced me to remember and learn something profoundly transformational.

Three years ago last weekend Brian and I went down to San Diego to spend a weekend together. We planned this getaway with the hopes of celebrating a pregnancy. We scheduled this weekend after our final round of clomid [infertility drugs], trusting that we'd use this time to privately celebrate a positive pregnancy test. Instead, we went to San Diego to grieve. We received a negative pregnancy test. Another one. We had already tried to get pregnant for over a year and had spent the previous 8 months in test after test after treatment after treatment. And we had received disappointment after disappointment.

So, three years ago we packed up our broken hearts and drove down to the Omni Hotel in San Diego to mourn together. Brian remembers me crying a lot. What was supposed to be a weekend of celebration turned into a weekend of heartache.

Somewhere in the midst of my infertility treatment, one of my spiritual gurus, Ed, told Brian and me that he believed Joel 2:25 for us - that God would repay us for the years the locusts [infertility] have eaten [stolen]. Ed told us that this verse translated properly from the Hebrew meant that the God of all time, who knows no time, yet works within our understanding of God would GIVE BACK everything from the years of devastation from what the locusts had stolen. Somehow, in only a way God can, he would restore and make up for lost time. I didn't really believe him but I thought it was a good thing to believe about God.

Fast forward to this week - 3 years later. Brian and I once again packed up our car with suitcases, a diaper bag, strollers, and umpteen bags to head to San Diego on our annual Newsong staff retreat [now reenvisioned as the XEALOT Alliance Retreat]. We also strapped in our 3 year old son and 18 month old daughter.

Literally, we were almost to San Diego when it all hit me. Same weekend. Three years later. Same hotel. Our two beautiful Ethiopians falling asleep in the back seat. Redemption. The craziest part is that our annual staff retreat is never this weekend, we've never stayed at the Omni, and it's been in several other cities over the years, and Brian has never come with me on a staff retreat before. It was like God planned out the specific details of this retreat just for us. Grace poured out!!!

God redeemed time! Little did we know when we were grieving at the Omni the last weekend of August 2008 that a little boy named Abebayehu was 7 weeks old in a remote village in Awassa, Ethiopia. While we grieved. He nursed. While I cried, Judah cried too. While I was too immersed in my own pain, God was working a miracle behind the scenes that was immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine [Ephesians 3:20-21].

It's just like God to l.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y give us back those years in the person of Judah Abebayehu. Only God. What the enemy intended to harm us with, God intended for good [Genesis 50]. Something deep shifted in my spirit this week to know - mind and heart - that when we grieve or are confused or in pain or just plain wandering, imagine what God is doing behind the scenes. He is working all things together for good [Romans 8:26-28] and making ALL things new. God doesn't give us his leftovers or hand-me-downs or even just polish the old to make it look new. He gives us brand new gifts because of his great love for us.

Even when we are angry with God or not even paying attention to him, he is graciously forming something beautiful. He is the most exquisite story-teller. Is he not?

"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

   Glory to God in the church!
   Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus!
   Glory down all the generations!
   Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!"

Month of Celebrations, Especially Today!

2011-08-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

I love August. This August, in particular, is a month of celebration and joy.

MARRIAGE :: August 5th we celebrated 10 years of marriage!!! It hasn't always been "happily ever after", but it has been a partnership deeply committed to oneness and loving each other through the best of days and the worst. In our 13 years together we've experienced some tough stuff and fought through challenges, but we are more in love with each other and more connected today than we were 10 years ago. Brian has been the most sharpening and shaping person in my life [next to my parents?]. I respect, love, and admire him more than words can say.

We imagined for our 10th anniversary that we'd escape to Hawaii or Europe, but with 2 little ones only home for 6 months, the best we could do was 1 night away in a local hotel. My mom was so generous to provide us 30 hours away from our kiddos to reconnect with each other and enjoy time together. It was an amazing gift...we were crazy excited!

View of the pool where we spent many hours lounging

Celebratory gift from our hotel

We cannot wait for the next 10 years of life and partnership together. The best is yet to come...

BIRTHDAY :: August 9th I celebrated my 32nd birthday. This was my first birthday where I didn't take the day off work and solitude at the pool with my Bible and journal in hand. This birthday started EARLY with 2 toddlers who intuitively must have known it was my birthday. They awoke at 1am, 4am, and 6:30am. I'm sure they meant to wish me happy birthday, but it wasn't my love language [wink]. My mom was still in town and I was able to celebrate with her - what a gift!!!! We ate breakfast overlooking the ocean, my mom gave me a beautiful charm necklace with Judah and Addise's names engraved, our Embassy date, and the quote "chosen. to belong. to be loved."

After a half dozen pictures, this was the best we could do.

MEET THE COUSINS :: This past weekend Judah and Addise met their Puerto Rican/Finnish cousins, Luna and Esa. Since they left, Judah keeps asking for "Muna". They had such a great time together playing at the beach, checking out the aquarium, and hanging out together. We are SO grateful that Brian's sister's family drove 17+ hours each way to meet our kiddos!

The fairest of babies with the brownest of them

REFERRAL ANNIVERSARY! :: Today, August 16th, marks 365 days since we first saw Judah and Addise's faces. You can read the original post about "The Call" HERE. You can read my first thoughts about Judah [Lil A] and Addise [Baby T] HERE. Re-reading these posts, I can't help but weep in gratitude for all God's done this past year in our family. Judah and Addise are miracles. They were brilliantly chosen by our God for our family. They have grown SO much this past year in every way.

One of Judah's referral pictures.
Those eyes and chiclets teeth captured my heart!

The first time I laid eyes on my daughter.
Her lips and rolls wrecked me.

It's hard to describe the year our family has had. We are celebrating so much this month. Recently, I told Brian "I've never been so happy!" We are living in the goodness of God more than we ever could have imagined. We are grateful for the pain. In fact, I confessed to Brian that I'm GLAD we never got pregnant. If we did, we wouldn't be Judah and Addise's parents, and that is impossible to imagine!!! We are grateful for the transformation we've experienced through the heartache and waiting and loss. Brian and I are forever changed by our love for each other and the gifts he's given us in a 3 year old boy and 18 month old girl.

Thank you, Jesus. We celebrate because of all you've done.

We Shaved His Head!!

2011-07-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know what we were thinking.

I kind of do. It's summer. His little black face and fuzzy, black head of hair was making Judah all kinds of sweaty in the heat of the sun.
We started today with the hope to shave off the extra, fluffy curls and leave his tight little curls underneath. Our clippers aren't clippers for his hair. The clipper guard kept getting caught in his tight curls so Brian suggested we just go for it. I reluctantly agreed. I LOVE HIS HAIR, but it was time for a change.
As soon as the clippers started, I became panic stricken. My voice on the video is calm and collected compared to what I was feeling. Terror took over. Nauseous and sweat instantly came over me.

It's crazy because I'm not that kind of "hair" person. I've done a hundred different cuts and colors to my own hair. "It'll grow back...it's just hair" has been my motto. But watching my son's first hair cut - his beautiful, fuzzy curls falling off his head in chunks.

I couldn't handle it. We weren't just BUZZING his head; we were SHAVING it to the scalp! I've been mourning to an extent all day.

During...he was fascinated with all his hair!!!

After. Brian's proud that both daddy and son have bald heads. I miss his curls...but his eyes certainly pop even more.
Let's just say that it'll be a while before Addise gets her hair cut. And it won't be with clippers.